I gave him a month.

Like most of our arguments, i barely remember what they were about. Hypnos and I got into any little fight there was. It got to a point where days you'd be walking on glass. You don't always see it when it cuts you, but damn does it hurt when it does.

We had gotten into an argument before  poetry reading, which calmed down. Then another on the way to the reading in the car. Which again, calmed down. I remember we went to dinner afterwards. It was Chili's, his favorite. It's not the best place, but it has food and it's not terrible. It helped ease the tension between us both for a little while.

We then argued again just a few hours after dinner. I do remember this one. Hypnos had planned a hook up with someone and asked if I could take him. I said no. I'm not comfortable taking my partner to a hook up. Since we were Polyam, I was okay with the hook up happening, but it did feel a little weird to be the ride to and from the person's house.

I knew we were in a co-dependent relationship. Around this time I was reading Co-Dependent No More, which if you've not read and feel you are in a co-dependent relationship or are interested in learning about co-dependence, I definitely recommend reading it. Taking Hypnos to a planned hook up seemed like an extra mile in our co-dependence together.

When I said I wouldn't, I was again, the bad guy. "You never let me go anywhere," "You just want to keep me locked up," "I hate you."

And that's when I told him. I said I wasn't happy, and that I haven't been happy for a long time. And his face immediately changed.

"I don't want to lose you."
"I'll do anything to keep you."
"You are the best thing that has happened to me."
"I'm so sorry."
"I'll do better."

I gave him a month.

During this whole time, Es heard about all of it. I didn't really have anyone else to talk to about what was going on, and my therapist wasn't exactly affordable at the time. But Es was the most supportive person I had, and there's literally no way I could ever thank him enough for being there. #justsaying

I gave Hypnos a few items he needed to achieve during that month:

1. Obtain a job.
2. Do more around the house than just play video games all day
3. Bathe more often.

And he tried, but everything also fell through at the same time. He wasn't able to get a job within that timeframe. He said he was looking into completing surveys and work at home programs, which was an argument for us. He still did not do much when it came to our home. I was still stuck cleaning, cooking, etc. He was still playing video games.

At the end of May, I told him it was over. I paid for his bus ticket to Alabama, and paid to ship whatever things he left in Texas.

May 31, I dropped him off at the Greyhound Bus station. A high school friend of mine (let's cal him Alejandro, old joke between me and him) went with us. I asked him to, one because I wasn't totally sure I could go through with it, and two I wasn't comfortable leaving my car alone on the street.

I walked Hypnos into the station, hugged him. It was probably the toughest for both of us. Although there was some relief in my belly, there was also a wrenching sadness when I watched him cross over into the gate areas.

In the book, Co-Dependent No More, it talks about voices. it talks about how your mind will tell you that the person you're caring for can't make it on their own. That they need you. Etc. Etc. And it's true. I had every voice that book talked about that whole day.

We were both teary eyed. We both cried that day.

Alejandro and I had dinner afterward. Close friends like him are priceless. Even when you don't realize you need a distraction or company, they know. and they know you because you've known each other for fuck knows how long. He kept me busy for a good bit of the night. We shot the shit, talked for what felt like forever.

Then it was time to go home.

April 2019

It's February and I'm still getting used to Michigan weather. One minute it's sunny as fuck outside, the next snow is raining from the sky. It's definitely the grayest place I've lived in. Es and I have been living together for over a month. We've been a couple for a year and seven months, July marking our 2 year anniversary.

I proposed to him, and I'll get that story when the time comes. But Es and I are fucking engaged, and I couldn't be happier!

But the story goes on.

Although Hypnos would have preferred I never saw Es again, I’ve visited him several times before making the move up here. The second trip was even more of a learning experience for me.

I was thrilled to see Espresso again.It had been a rough March with Hypnos, and my birthday was coming up so taking the time to just be happy for a few days was relieving in a lot of ways. This was our second trip seeing each other. Still so much could go wrong. What if the first meet was a fluke? What if we find that this time we truly don’t click? Fortunately that wasn’t the case, but it was obviously a minor thought in the background of my head.

Es had some words with Hypnos to ensure he didn’t try to take up our time together. As Hypnos was prominent during the first trip I took, Es and I both wanted our time. And for the most part of that trip, Hypnos was quiet.

Learning to be with a partner who cares about you in return is not something I’m used to. That’s not to say Hypnos didn’t care about me, but when it came to asking about my well-being or comfort, well that was often forgotten. Es did and still does, do everything to make me feel comfortable, loved, and cared for. That’ll always be an adjustment for me (at least I say that now).

With the second trip, we got closer. It was hard to leave the second time than the first, and it always happened that way. It’s like each time we saw each other, our love was solidified. I was worried the opposite would happen.April is so far away so it’s hard for me to remember everything, but I do remember this trip being more sexually charged than our last trip. It was full of new kinks, new discoveries, new experiences.

I remember being stuck at the airport. I have terrible luck with airlines. Almost every flight I have gets delayed. Just how it is, I guess. It’s definitely frustrating in the moment.

I flew into Grand Rapids because the Lansing flight wasn’t happening until later that night and we wanted more time together than less.

I remember he scared me when I got to the airport. I thought someone was trying to grab my bag and I was ready to swing at them. Then I saw him.

Es refuses to keep his tongue in his mouth. It's kinda hot #justsaying

He's adorable when he sleeps

Always the coffee junkie, but I love him <3

He was still living with his ex at the time. They shared a car. Much like Es has a hatred for my ex, I have a strong dislike of his. I tolerate him some days, but that energy is few and far between. I didn’t have much interaction with him this trip.

The first date we had together was an Ethiopian restaurant. Es always knows where to find the best food joints and as authentic as possible. I didn’t know if I’d like it at first, but now I hope we go back someday. It was damn good food.

He's such a dork. 

But I love him

We played this bean boozled game. I got most, if not all the bad ones at some point. The jelly beans were literally flavored rotten egg and vomit and it was disgusting, but I somehow got it down. When it comes to non-spicy food, I can be a human garbage disposal. Not to say I don’t get sick, but it doesn’t happen as often as it probably should.

We experimented more that trip. We both found out we were into musk play, and now I think I’ve created a musk junkie. We did this game, like the last trip, where we took furry pics and tried to recreate them. We did it with dice, which Made things interesting. I hardly took pics that time around, but there's a few below.

Then we went on this scavenger hunt in a graveyard. He called it something else, but it’s the same difference. We started searching for things, and we never finished it. I got hella tired by the end. But it was my first venture into exhibitionism. He lead me off the path. We were both still visible, but no one was around and he unzipped my pants. Before I knew it, my cock was in his mouth and I was being blown in a graveyard. It was definitely thrilling, a tad anxious, but thrilling. It’s a moment he and I both return to.

Es and I also went to this trampoline place, where I got winded as fuck. I'm not really a guy who's in shape. The whole place had an obstacle course, Dodgeball, Fighting arena, it was pretty kickass.

We're taking pics of each other here. He's got one of me, but I'm not sure where I put it. 

There wasn't much NSFW picture taking on this trip. Though that grows as we meet up more and more.

It was harder to leave the second time around. If I could have afforded it, I would have stayed one extra day, but I couldn't.

The moment I landed in Chicago, I got into a fight with Hypnos. He saw some of the pictures Es and I took and was immediately jealous. The fighting was a constant for him and me, but I was growing tired. I was growing unhappy.

Hypnos was upset that "I never took him anywhere," or "I never take him out on dates." It was something he and I never really resolved. There's a lot of unresolved arguments between us.

A week after I got back from seeing Es, I told Hypnos I wasn't happy in our relationship.

The Aftermath of The Argument

I told Hypnos I forgave him. But the truth is I never did. When he told me to kill myself I had nothing but a wave of emotions. Like an ocean swirling overhead before making the dive to shore. His voice was a shotgun when he said it. Loud. Booming. Authoritative. Each letter scattered, spraying anything and everything it could touch.

I quickly became numb to it.

Numbness was my way of coping in that relationship. My way of telling myself that everything was alright. Tomorrow would be different. Being numb was how i coped with living in that situation. It was how I settled. At that point in time I believed that it was my life, what else was there?

I told Es shortly after it happened. Hypnos was worried I would tell him. He was worried about how he would be seen by Es. There was a huge part of him that wanted us to be this trio again, but that wasn’t going to happen.

Es was pissed. At first I blamed myself for his anger towards Hypnos. I felt that if I hadn’t had this discomfort with THE argument, then Es wouldn’t have to be pissed off and things could be normal/fine. I was the martyr. Codependents normally are in whatever relationship they’re in. The book “Codependent No More” helped me shift through that belief.

Es and I had several conversations on it.

Hypnos and I had several arguments following the big one.

I release that I put Es in one of the strangest predicaments. Strange probably isn’t the right word. Hard or ethical suits it best. In Polyam, it’s hard to know if or when you should get involved in your partner’s relationships. And Es expressed this numerous times.

The book, “More than Two” has a few good points on this which I’ll mimic briefly.

You create the dynamics of your relationship(s). All partners should meet. They don’t have to like each other. They don’t have to be involved romantically. But they have to know each other exist and the boundaries that are in place. When is it okay to get involved? There is so much grey area to this question that it’s hard to answer, but if you know that your partner is being abused in their relationship, then it’s time to say something. That partner may not listen to you. They may tell you to fuck off, but you at least have to say something.

Es did. Several times. And I don’t think I would have made the same decisions if he hadn’t said anything.

I got to see Es the weekend of my birthday. It was our second time seeing each other, and. I fell more in love with him than I did the first time. It’s funny how that happens. How you just fall head over heals for someone so much.

As I’m writing this, Es is sleeping next to me on the couch. Dog nestled against him. How we’ve managed to make this spot work I’ll never know. This past week I’ve been sleeping on the couch, I guess he enjoys tight fits. It’s cooler in this room than our bedroom. It’s probably 16 degrees outside, but I’d never know it in this building. The AC is on, and it feels nice.

Es just woke up briefly. From what I’m not sure, but his feet are now nestled against my belly. I want to make coffee, but I don’t want to wake him. He’s got the cutest face when he sleeps. I couldn’t have gotten any luckier.

Our second trip together was amazing. We were both discovering new parts of ourselves. Little did we know how much we would change in the months coming after. I’ll talk more about this in the next post.

Right now, I have to cover Es’ ass with the blanket before he gets cold and wakes up :P

Then It Happened

The relationship between Hypnos and I had been deteriorating. It had been for years. I never wanted to see it though. I just kept going as if shit was fine and this was how life was supposed to be. Es showed me different.

The first time meeting him was, well to be honest, magical. It was romantic, sexy, we got really comfortable around each other, to the point where we didn’t want the week to end. And that’s probably one of the hardest parts to being in a long distance relationship. Knowing your time together has to end and you each return to your world. I know it was for me.

Hypnos got jealous, as he usually does. I was afraid of it too. I knew he’d see how happy I was when I got back and wish for several things:

That he could make me happy.
That he could be more sexual and “less of a prude.”
That I could better understand his side of the issues.
That Es would leave me as well.
That he could “forbid” my relationship with Es.
That we were no longer “Poly.”

In the Polyam world, we were a “Triad,” meaning I had two partners, but those two partners were not involved in any way. I had my time with Es and my time with Hypnos. Living with Hypnos meant I spent more time with that partner than the other.

Be careful in these situations. I found myself sacrificing more time with Es because I was afraid of how Hypnos would react. When you’re in this type of relationship model, it is your responsibility to manage the time between both partners. Be conscious of how much time you’re giving, and be honest about how much time you can give. The book “More than Two” talks about this in detail and is definitely recommended if venturing into Polyam.

I was starting to look at other times to see Es again. I needed to se him and I’m sure he wanted to see me as well. This made Hypnos jealous. He mentioned he had a boyfriend too, someone named Sky. Hypnos argued that he should get time with his boyfriend as well. It couldn’t just be all about me.

So, I paid for a plane ticket. He hounded me for weeks about it. Monitored any extra cash that came in. Accused me of “hoarding money.” So I paid for him to see his boyfriend.

On the one hand, the week alone was quite nice. A part of me worried like a doting mother on if Hypnos would make his flights, if he understood connecting flights, etc. etc. But on the whole I had never felt more free in that relationship.

About a week before he was to fly off we had gotten into an argument. I forget about what, but it got heated as they mostly did. I remember throwing clothes at him. I think he wanted to take a console and I was like “no, you’re not taking a PS4 through an airport.” It got heated, I threw some old clothes and he told me to kill myself.

My only response was “I tried.”

Which then lead to a barrage of questions on specifics.

That argument always stuck with me. I couldn’t even talk about it to Es for at least a week after it happened. I didn’t quite know how to process it. My therapist at the time told me to talk about it with Hypnos, but the thought of that scared the shit out of me. What else would he say? How else would he manipulate that whole situation? What about it all made it my fault?

That was the first time I thought of ending things with Hypnos.

i flew across the fuckin' country on a chance #worthit

I was so nervous on my first trip to see Es. Literally nervous. I mean, those  usual fears of "what if he doesn't like me" or "what if we don't click" were there, but I also had to worry about Hipnos.

Hipnos and Es broke up a week before the trip happened. Originally all three of us were going to meet, but after that part of the triangle split, it became me and Es. Essentially a V shaped relationship.

But I went anyways. I didn't know if things between me and Es would work out, or if Hipnos would try to start some bullshit (which he did as is classic him), but I knew I had to at least see what was waiting for me on the other side.

I'm glad I did. When I saw Es at the airport, I thought he was way more stunning in person. #justsaying I mean, Es is really an attractive person, and he's fucking smart, and goal oriented. It was like, when you win the lottery, and you can't believe it. It was one of those moments.

The first time we had sex it was the next morning. Es had been teasing the fuck out of me most of the night, and I think at some point I said something that I can't remember a then rammed myself inside him. It was a good moment for the both of us.

Our first date was at a Japanese restaurant. We've eaten there a couple times already, but I always forget the name of it. It's got food and the shit is good (phrasing!). I remember thinking how nice it was inside; and then Es started speaking Japanese to the chef and I thought he was flexin' on me. I felt like Texas date like "oh lookit that, my man knows another language??" Like damn.

If there was ever someone out of my league, it's definitely Es.

He made dinner for me that week, and I helped at some point. I pretty much tagged along with him wherever he went.

I remember thinking that being with him felt, comfortable. I learned later he's crazy adventurous, but I didn't feel any pressure to try to impress him or be anything I wasn't. I just had to be me, and things grew naturally between us.

Sex was amazing with him. Some light bondage, a couple of sex games, shower sex. We fucked a lot. I mean like a lot a lot. Not something I'm used to haha! Hipnos' philosophy was "I just don't need sex, that's what masturbation is for." Es took on a whole different mindset and goddamn was it on.

Hipnos did start shit. He was hella upset that I was up there. he kept saying that he shouldn't have let me go. Why did we even think this was a good idea, etc. etc. I didn't know how to handle it. Poly was fairly new to me. And I couldn't find a way to put one lover aside while setting time for the lover I was with. Ignorance ain't an excuse though. I know this pissed Es off, but I was so thankful he didn't just break it off with me. Most folks would have. He's crazy #justsaying

It was definitely a long week, but it wasn't long enough. For either of us at least. He didn't necessarily want me to leave, and I sure as fuck didn't wanna go either. But I left.

I left a note on his desk, though I couldn't tell you the particulars now. That mofo left fuckin spiders in my bag and I found them on my toothbrush. He's adorable though. If you ever meet Es, he's literally the best in this world. #nolie

Below are some more pics from our first trip. Sexiest person in this world, and fuck anyone who would disagree :P

The Shift

I had been with Hipnos for seven years when the story started to shift. Not every day with him was chaos. Most of our days were spent disconnected yet in the same room. Video games were a constant noise in our relationship. My routine was monotonous:

Wake up as Hipnos went to sleep. He normally went to bed around 4ish AM. And I had work, so we were passing each other a lot.
Work.
Go to the store.
Home by 7pm
Immediately in the kitchen to cook dinner.

This was my every day. All my energy sucked into taking care of, well an adult child.

July 2018 our relationship changed. We had gotten together with Es, my current partner.

Hipnos and I were always poly, but we had a Veto in place we ever wanted to use it (and Hipnos did use it. a few times.)

So we formed a trio. I couldn't tell you how excited I was to be with Es. I mean, prior to that point, I had always had a crush on him. I can't tell you how long, but it was fairly long.

Es and I had gotten close prior to any of this happening. We were/are friends. We flirted a few times, and we actually called each other. he published my second novella, and being in the same business that is publishing, we came to know each other fairly quick.

I remember thinking his voice was cute when I first heard it. The first time Es and I actually called was to talk about some weird publishing business. I think there was a fandom editor being an ass, but that's fairly typical.

I remember thinking he was cute when I saw his pictures too.

We formed a strong friendship long before we even thought of getting into a relationship with each other. It was nice to have someone who wasn't a poet or author messaging me for a "quick question." Which happened (still happens) a lot, but that's a rant for another day, or twitter.

So we became a trio, and my anxiety flared up about a week into the damn thing. maybe longer. I'm not good with time.

I worried that Hipnos would drive Es far away. Hipnos had this uncanny ability to scare anyone off. How he didn't scare me off is well, codependent.

I knew at some point Hipnos would feel something when he saw Es and I interacting. Simple "I love yous" or talk of plans, or sexual talk, all of that started to eat away at Hipnos. He got jealous real fast. He got worried real fast. There were way more quiet moments in our home because his mind was a flurry of negative and furious emotions. And he said it often, "You don't need me anymore. you can just be with Es."

That's not what my version of Poly was about. At first, I didn't want to leave either of them. Sure, Hipnos terrorized me, but I still loved him, or at least I thought I did. That's part of being in a co-dependent relationship. What you think is love, really isn't.

He eventually did the same to Es. He blew up one time with Es and I think they settled that day, but it only took a week for Hipnos to start on his bullshit again. They broke up, and Es and I kept our relationship going.

A lot of things could have happened at that point. Es could have broken up with both of us, which is what I worried about the most. I could have broken up with Es, which wasn't on my mind but I did fear Hipnos pushing that option on me.

But it didn't. Es and I stayed together. I would have liked to say that I started questioning my relationship with Hipnos then, but it wasn't until much later.

Still, I got to meet Es in person.

Long Distance

I hear it all the time. "I can't do long distance. I need to have much more physical contact in my life." I hear it from friends, co-workers, even poets in my inner circles. The moment I bring up Es and our current long distance relationship, that's the first thought that pops into their head. I know this because that's the first thing they say when I finish talking or show them pics of us together.

Long distance ain't for everyone.

Much like Polyam ain't for everyone. More on this one later.

Like any other relationship, being with someone who is miles away requires a lot of dedication and a lot of work. While Es and I live our seperate lives, we have to make a point to put each other at the forefront sometimes. And I can see how that is difficult when the person is not right in front of you, or not easily reachable. But we do it. And we do it well. At least I think so.

I've been with Es for over a year. We met for the first time in person October/November 2018, so that anniversary just passed too haha. Over the course of this past year we've taken trips to see each other a few times, celebrating Es' birthday and our anniversary at Disney this past July. Now, we're planning a move together.

Life comes at you fast, in case you didn't know.

My relationship with Es has been one of the most fulfilling relationships I've ever had. Granted my only other long term partner was Hipnos, and Hipnos was still in the picture when we got together, which is a whole other story for another blog post. Probably the next one. But the skinny of it is we started out as a Polyam Triangle. We three got into this relationship together. Hipnos started showing his abusive tendencies, and the triangle became split. Es and I stayed together. And a few months after Es and Hipnos broke up, I broke it off with Hipnos. Again, I'll go over the whole story, at least from what I witnessed, in the next blog post.

This one, I'd like to talk about the things Es and I have right. How we have made this work.

Now, this doesn't come without challenges. I mean, there's a lot of nights where I miss having him right next to me. I miss him a lot. That can get challenging sometimes, but I know he's there even when he's not.

1. Communication
It's no secret that all relationships require communication in order to stay functional. They do. Every relationship book says it. Relationship "Gurus" like Esther Perel preach it. It's fucking necessary. Es and I communicate everything to each other. Even when we aren't able to fix each other's problems. We tell each other when we're depressed, or the best part of our day. We tell each other when we're lonely, horny, our schedules, when we're going on hookups, if we've eaten, when we're angry with each other, when we need support. Everything. I mean, we talk on the phone for at least a couple hours each night. Sometime's we're even on the phone as we work, and even though we're not saying anything, we're comfortable with that because we're there. We say, "I love you," a million times over. But when we say it, we mean it. When I hear it from him, there's not a doubt in my mind. He loves me. I love him. And when we tell each other that, there's never a question. It doesn't lose meaning because you say it more. We talk. And we're honest.

2. Sex
We definitely click sexually. And when we visit each other it's pretty much a long sex fest which I fucking love. One of the issues I had with Hipnos and I was that sex was always placed on the back burner. Sort of a, "it's only important when you mean it." which  I never understood the concept. For me sex is such an integral part of a relationship. Hipnos was always afraid that he would just be the house slut and that I'd never love him otherwise. He associated a lot of shame with sex. If we had too much sex, then our relationship was nothing more than a long standing hook up.

For me, that's not the case. I never associated shame with sex. Hipnos instilled that in me over the years.

With Es, sex is not just an aspect of our relationship. Eroticism is intermingled with romance, with friendship. Sensual touches, random blowjobs, spontaneous adventures in the park. We not only keep sex exciting, but we mingle it with everything else in our life. We don't just keep it to the bedroom like a toy chest waiting to be opened. We enjoy each other. Everywhere we go.

3. Making time for each other
This one is definitely hard to do, for any relationship. Again, we live separate lives. His schedule is crazy, mine is hectic. We don't always have the same sleep schedule. But we make time for each other. We call every day. We leave voice messages for each other almost every morning/evening. We talk on instant messaging programs like Telegram, which I use way more than texting. Don't text me, I'll rarely answer. Hit me up on Telegram though? I'll respond pretty quick. We've even started making long distance dates happen.

If you love someone. Truly love someone. You'll find ways to make time for them. For me, my relationship with Es is top priority. I keep him at the front. He's the first thing that pops into my head when I wake up and the last thing before I go to sleep.

We plan trips to see each other. Physical contact is important, being there in person is important.  It's not always possible due to schedules and money. I remember my last trip, I was so afraid of not being able to go because United kept cancelling my flights. I was booked on 5 different flights because of Tropical Storm Imelda. I finally got out, but it was scary as fuck.

We make time for each other. Even if it's just a few seconds of the day to say "hope your day is going well." We make time for each other.

4. We support each other
Even from far away. If he needs me on the phone, in a heart beat I'm there. If I need him in the middle of the night, he's there. We support each other. We vent to each other, talk about our fears, help each other through depression, just everything.

We support each other's interests. We collaborate on writing projects, editing projects. He's trying to get me into a his chorus group, which will likely happen, haha. When his Ted talk came out, I shared that with everyone I know. Couldn't shut up about it for weeks after.

If he came to me and said "Weasel, I'm going to a conference in a couple weeks and I'd like you to be there." I'd be right fucking there in the audience. Now I may be on my phone cause my attention span is shit sometimes, but I'd be there, and I'd know what he said. And if I couldn't go? I'd be right on the phone asking him how it went, wanting to know every detail.

5. We make each other feel special
We write poetry for each other. Write blog posts and tweets. We send gifts. We tease each other with our surprises. We do little things very often to show how much we mean to each other.

I've sent him flowers randomly before. I have tons of poetry written about him. He's done the same for me too.

The point is, no matter how small or how much time it takes, we make a point to make each other feel special. And we do it regularly.

I'm not saying this is what'll work for you. This is not an advice blog. This is what works for me.

My therapist sat me down one day and asked me to define my core values of a relationship. Essentially, 5 items that make me want to stay in that relationship. Or in his words, "the keys to my heart," as cheesy as that sounded. These are my five values, which aren't uncommon honestly. Es and I hit all of these.