Long Distance

I hear it all the time. "I can't do long distance. I need to have much more physical contact in my life." I hear it from friends, co-workers, even poets in my inner circles. The moment I bring up Es and our current long distance relationship, that's the first thought that pops into their head. I know this because that's the first thing they say when I finish talking or show them pics of us together.

Long distance ain't for everyone.

Much like Polyam ain't for everyone. More on this one later.

Like any other relationship, being with someone who is miles away requires a lot of dedication and a lot of work. While Es and I live our seperate lives, we have to make a point to put each other at the forefront sometimes. And I can see how that is difficult when the person is not right in front of you, or not easily reachable. But we do it. And we do it well. At least I think so.

I've been with Es for over a year. We met for the first time in person October/November 2018, so that anniversary just passed too haha. Over the course of this past year we've taken trips to see each other a few times, celebrating Es' birthday and our anniversary at Disney this past July. Now, we're planning a move together.

Life comes at you fast, in case you didn't know.

My relationship with Es has been one of the most fulfilling relationships I've ever had. Granted my only other long term partner was Hipnos, and Hipnos was still in the picture when we got together, which is a whole other story for another blog post. Probably the next one. But the skinny of it is we started out as a Polyam Triangle. We three got into this relationship together. Hipnos started showing his abusive tendencies, and the triangle became split. Es and I stayed together. And a few months after Es and Hipnos broke up, I broke it off with Hipnos. Again, I'll go over the whole story, at least from what I witnessed, in the next blog post.

This one, I'd like to talk about the things Es and I have right. How we have made this work.

Now, this doesn't come without challenges. I mean, there's a lot of nights where I miss having him right next to me. I miss him a lot. That can get challenging sometimes, but I know he's there even when he's not.

1. Communication
It's no secret that all relationships require communication in order to stay functional. They do. Every relationship book says it. Relationship "Gurus" like Esther Perel preach it. It's fucking necessary. Es and I communicate everything to each other. Even when we aren't able to fix each other's problems. We tell each other when we're depressed, or the best part of our day. We tell each other when we're lonely, horny, our schedules, when we're going on hookups, if we've eaten, when we're angry with each other, when we need support. Everything. I mean, we talk on the phone for at least a couple hours each night. Sometime's we're even on the phone as we work, and even though we're not saying anything, we're comfortable with that because we're there. We say, "I love you," a million times over. But when we say it, we mean it. When I hear it from him, there's not a doubt in my mind. He loves me. I love him. And when we tell each other that, there's never a question. It doesn't lose meaning because you say it more. We talk. And we're honest.

2. Sex
We definitely click sexually. And when we visit each other it's pretty much a long sex fest which I fucking love. One of the issues I had with Hipnos and I was that sex was always placed on the back burner. Sort of a, "it's only important when you mean it." which  I never understood the concept. For me sex is such an integral part of a relationship. Hipnos was always afraid that he would just be the house slut and that I'd never love him otherwise. He associated a lot of shame with sex. If we had too much sex, then our relationship was nothing more than a long standing hook up.

For me, that's not the case. I never associated shame with sex. Hipnos instilled that in me over the years.

With Es, sex is not just an aspect of our relationship. Eroticism is intermingled with romance, with friendship. Sensual touches, random blowjobs, spontaneous adventures in the park. We not only keep sex exciting, but we mingle it with everything else in our life. We don't just keep it to the bedroom like a toy chest waiting to be opened. We enjoy each other. Everywhere we go.

3. Making time for each other
This one is definitely hard to do, for any relationship. Again, we live separate lives. His schedule is crazy, mine is hectic. We don't always have the same sleep schedule. But we make time for each other. We call every day. We leave voice messages for each other almost every morning/evening. We talk on instant messaging programs like Telegram, which I use way more than texting. Don't text me, I'll rarely answer. Hit me up on Telegram though? I'll respond pretty quick. We've even started making long distance dates happen.

If you love someone. Truly love someone. You'll find ways to make time for them. For me, my relationship with Es is top priority. I keep him at the front. He's the first thing that pops into my head when I wake up and the last thing before I go to sleep.

We plan trips to see each other. Physical contact is important, being there in person is important.  It's not always possible due to schedules and money. I remember my last trip, I was so afraid of not being able to go because United kept cancelling my flights. I was booked on 5 different flights because of Tropical Storm Imelda. I finally got out, but it was scary as fuck.

We make time for each other. Even if it's just a few seconds of the day to say "hope your day is going well." We make time for each other.

4. We support each other
Even from far away. If he needs me on the phone, in a heart beat I'm there. If I need him in the middle of the night, he's there. We support each other. We vent to each other, talk about our fears, help each other through depression, just everything.

We support each other's interests. We collaborate on writing projects, editing projects. He's trying to get me into a his chorus group, which will likely happen, haha. When his Ted talk came out, I shared that with everyone I know. Couldn't shut up about it for weeks after.

If he came to me and said "Weasel, I'm going to a conference in a couple weeks and I'd like you to be there." I'd be right fucking there in the audience. Now I may be on my phone cause my attention span is shit sometimes, but I'd be there, and I'd know what he said. And if I couldn't go? I'd be right on the phone asking him how it went, wanting to know every detail.

5. We make each other feel special
We write poetry for each other. Write blog posts and tweets. We send gifts. We tease each other with our surprises. We do little things very often to show how much we mean to each other.

I've sent him flowers randomly before. I have tons of poetry written about him. He's done the same for me too.

The point is, no matter how small or how much time it takes, we make a point to make each other feel special. And we do it regularly.

I'm not saying this is what'll work for you. This is not an advice blog. This is what works for me.

My therapist sat me down one day and asked me to define my core values of a relationship. Essentially, 5 items that make me want to stay in that relationship. Or in his words, "the keys to my heart," as cheesy as that sounded. These are my five values, which aren't uncommon honestly. Es and I hit all of these.