Aftermath II

I started talking to a new therapist recently to help handle some of what I feel are issues that could or need to be worked on. I'm still working through my own anxiety and depression, as well as my suicidal ideation, though I haven't had urges in over a year. I'm also discussing my prior relationship with him, to which he pointed out that what I went through was abuse.

And I know that, yet I was still not expecting to hear those words. I didn't even want that to be true. He asked me why I didn't want that to be true and I didn't have an answer, and I'm still thinking on it.

I still talk to Hypnos. He was a mistake in my life, a mistake I don't regret making, but one nonetheless.

Hypnos and I try to be friends, even as the divorce process moves onward. It can get awkward at times. I know his typing patterns online, so I know when he's not in the mood or when he's angry or ready to break down crying. Our conversations have been less and less though lately.

Right after the breakup Hypnos opened up about his feelings on our relationship. There'd be hours of us going back and forth online, hours of arguing, hours of "I'm sorry."

Conversations like this happened all the time during the first couple of months of our breakup. He would just go on and on for hours, and some days I could just ignore it. I was at work, I was doing my job, etc. Other days, I couldn't. It was stressful, and a little painful, yet at the same time it was also angering. 

Below are a couple snippets from another conversation. These are all his words:

There are so many chatlogs filled with moments like this. I could make a separate book of it.

It took me some time to get to a point where I could say that I no longer love him. It still stings a little to go through all of these. Even though I can't physically hear his voice, I can hear him clear as the Texas sky. His whiny, nasally, voice.

He still thinks everything that took place was my fault. It's disheartening because I do want to believe he can change. He just doesn't. And that's disappointing.

Hypnos was definitely a mistake in my life. I'm not sure if I'll be able to fully close that chapter as there are still things in motion such as the divorce proceedings. But I think I can end his portion here for now.