Then It Happened

The relationship between Hypnos and I had been deteriorating. It had been for years. I never wanted to see it though. I just kept going as if shit was fine and this was how life was supposed to be. Es showed me different.

The first time meeting him was, well to be honest, magical. It was romantic, sexy, we got really comfortable around each other, to the point where we didn’t want the week to end. And that’s probably one of the hardest parts to being in a long distance relationship. Knowing your time together has to end and you each return to your world. I know it was for me.

Hypnos got jealous, as he usually does. I was afraid of it too. I knew he’d see how happy I was when I got back and wish for several things:

That he could make me happy.
That he could be more sexual and “less of a prude.”
That I could better understand his side of the issues.
That Es would leave me as well.
That he could “forbid” my relationship with Es.
That we were no longer “Poly.”

In the Polyam world, we were a “Triad,” meaning I had two partners, but those two partners were not involved in any way. I had my time with Es and my time with Hypnos. Living with Hypnos meant I spent more time with that partner than the other.

Be careful in these situations. I found myself sacrificing more time with Es because I was afraid of how Hypnos would react. When you’re in this type of relationship model, it is your responsibility to manage the time between both partners. Be conscious of how much time you’re giving, and be honest about how much time you can give. The book “More than Two” talks about this in detail and is definitely recommended if venturing into Polyam.

I was starting to look at other times to see Es again. I needed to se him and I’m sure he wanted to see me as well. This made Hypnos jealous. He mentioned he had a boyfriend too, someone named Sky. Hypnos argued that he should get time with his boyfriend as well. It couldn’t just be all about me.

So, I paid for a plane ticket. He hounded me for weeks about it. Monitored any extra cash that came in. Accused me of “hoarding money.” So I paid for him to see his boyfriend.

On the one hand, the week alone was quite nice. A part of me worried like a doting mother on if Hypnos would make his flights, if he understood connecting flights, etc. etc. But on the whole I had never felt more free in that relationship.

About a week before he was to fly off we had gotten into an argument. I forget about what, but it got heated as they mostly did. I remember throwing clothes at him. I think he wanted to take a console and I was like “no, you’re not taking a PS4 through an airport.” It got heated, I threw some old clothes and he told me to kill myself.

My only response was “I tried.”

Which then lead to a barrage of questions on specifics.

That argument always stuck with me. I couldn’t even talk about it to Es for at least a week after it happened. I didn’t quite know how to process it. My therapist at the time told me to talk about it with Hypnos, but the thought of that scared the shit out of me. What else would he say? How else would he manipulate that whole situation? What about it all made it my fault?

That was the first time I thought of ending things with Hypnos.