I told Hypnos I forgave him. But the truth is I never did. When he told me to kill myself I had nothing but a wave of emotions. Like an ocean swirling overhead before making the dive to shore. His voice was a shotgun when he said it. Loud. Booming. Authoritative. Each letter scattered, spraying anything and everything it could touch.
I quickly became numb to it.
Numbness was my way of coping in that relationship. My way of telling myself that everything was alright. Tomorrow would be different. Being numb was how i coped with living in that situation. It was how I settled. At that point in time I believed that it was my life, what else was there?
I told Es shortly after it happened. Hypnos was worried I would tell him. He was worried about how he would be seen by Es. There was a huge part of him that wanted us to be this trio again, but that wasn’t going to happen.
Es was pissed. At first I blamed myself for his anger towards Hypnos. I felt that if I hadn’t had this discomfort with THE argument, then Es wouldn’t have to be pissed off and things could be normal/fine. I was the martyr. Codependents normally are in whatever relationship they’re in. The book “Codependent No More” helped me shift through that belief.
Es and I had several conversations on it.
Hypnos and I had several arguments following the big one.
I release that I put Es in one of the strangest predicaments. Strange probably isn’t the right word. Hard or ethical suits it best. In Polyam, it’s hard to know if or when you should get involved in your partner’s relationships. And Es expressed this numerous times.
The book, “More than Two” has a few good points on this which I’ll mimic briefly.
You create the dynamics of your relationship(s). All partners should meet. They don’t have to like each other. They don’t have to be involved romantically. But they have to know each other exist and the boundaries that are in place. When is it okay to get involved? There is so much grey area to this question that it’s hard to answer, but if you know that your partner is being abused in their relationship, then it’s time to say something. That partner may not listen to you. They may tell you to fuck off, but you at least have to say something.
Es did. Several times. And I don’t think I would have made the same decisions if he hadn’t said anything.
I got to see Es the weekend of my birthday. It was our second time seeing each other, and. I fell more in love with him than I did the first time. It’s funny how that happens. How you just fall head over heals for someone so much.
As I’m writing this, Es is sleeping next to me on the couch. Dog nestled against him. How we’ve managed to make this spot work I’ll never know. This past week I’ve been sleeping on the couch, I guess he enjoys tight fits. It’s cooler in this room than our bedroom. It’s probably 16 degrees outside, but I’d never know it in this building. The AC is on, and it feels nice.
Es just woke up briefly. From what I’m not sure, but his feet are now nestled against my belly. I want to make coffee, but I don’t want to wake him. He’s got the cutest face when he sleeps. I couldn’t have gotten any luckier.
Our second trip together was amazing. We were both discovering new parts of ourselves. Little did we know how much we would change in the months coming after. I’ll talk more about this in the next post.
Right now, I have to cover Es’ ass with the blanket before he gets cold and wakes up :P
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