When Hipnos Strikes First

Alright, so it's been awhile. Guess it's time to get back to it.

Hipnos was a lot of things. Though it's hard for me to find the good in him, there was some. He had his own way of showing that he loved you. He reminded me a bit of Michael Scott from The Office. You know the one. Childish. Kind of a sense of humor, but not always the best.

Narcissistic.

When something went horribly wrong due to Michael's decision, he was always quick to blame someone else. He put off tough decisions on other people so he could not feel the pain of disappointing someone. Of being the bad guy. He wanted everyone to see him as the best, as the funniest, as the be all end all person. Like Hipnos.

I would say things. I would make up words cause I thought it was kind of funny. Or even use words wrong, because why not? I'm a poet, you're supposed to use words the way you want to use them. For instance: "Semicolons are just butt plugs with tails."

Immediate response: You're stupid.

And that was our dynamic for years. He would always say he didn't mean it. And honestly I believed it, even though it was probably bullshit.

At first I shrugged it off. I didn't think he meant it at first but it just cuts into you after so many years. Still, he would find ways to make it all okay.

One of the things he loathed was me staying out late at night. Now, his definition of late was any time after 10:00pm. I don't go out and and party, but I do work late and I do go to poetry readings or author events where it might go past 10:00pm. He made little comments. Comments like "I'm here all alone."

"You've got all these friends, what do I have?"
"How come I can't go our with my friends?"
"How come you never take me to any of these readings?"

I never said he couldn't go out with his friends, but what means did he have to do so? He didn't have a car. Or a license. Or many friends to my knowledge. The internet was his friend.

Yet he chose not to have a job. Not to take care of himself. Not to leave the house.

Something I always struggled with was where did my responsibility lie as a lover, as a partner, and as a friend to him. I still can't tell you, honestly. Guess that says a lot.

The next bit was a major fight for us as a couple.

I was late coming home hone night. I was at a poetry reading at the Friendswood Public Library. I was one of the readers for a friend's book release. It went late. When it was over I was invited to go eat at Chili's. So fuck it. I said why not?

This irritated Hipnos. Til I said I'd grab him food. You can't go to get food and not get him anything. Rule #1 in our relationship. I learned that quick too.

He sent me a few text messages that night. The same questions just over and over. Long novel length texts. Telling me I'm embarrassed by him. I'm probably better off without him, etc. etc.

So I turned my phone off.

Rule #2: don't be unreachable. Learned that quick.

The moment I got home, I set his food on his desk and give him a hug. He took it and threw the food in the trash. He started yelling. Saying he had to wait for hours to eat. How dare I make him wait so long. How could I not answer the phone?

I can't remember what I said, but it pushed him over the line. the dog was hiding under the bed. Before I knew it, he started hitting himself. Punching his face. Each impact like a drum beat in our room. Calling himself stupid. Idiot. everything in between. The chair was rustling violently beneath him. I remember those goddamn squeaks.

I couldn't say anything.

I didn't know what to do.

I got up, tried to grab his hands, restrain him. Keep himself from hurting himself. But he took my hands and shoved me into the bookshelves and continued. So I took a tumble. I just soothed the dog until he calmed down after that.

I would stay with him for three more years after this.