Today is the first day I feel like I can breathe. My last couple posts were centered around my mental health and Hipnos, and that's because I've been in a mild fit of depression these past few days. It's becoming easier to recognize it when it arrives.
Since today is actually a good day, I'd like to move away from the chaos that was Hipnos and I. I'd like to talk about my ideal partner, something I had no clue how to describe when I was first dating.
Over time, I've come to develop some idea at least. There are things that I've dealt with in the past that I probably wouldn't deal with now.
A lot of my own connections to Hipnos originated in Codependence. If you haven't read the book Codependent No More by by Melody Beattie, I suggest grabbing it. It'll give you a fairly in depth look at Codpendent relationships, and it helped me get out of mine.
I felt good being needed, even if I desised being needed all the time. I felt good taking care of him, even if it wore me down cause I was doing it all hours of the day. I came to feel important in a twisted/toxic way.
Over time, I got tired. A lot. it felt like my natural state was exhaustion. I was giving a lot in my relationship to Hipnos, but I was not receiving. I didn't feel loved. I felt more like a parent than a husband. But who else could take care of Hipnos? Spoiler: it wasn't necessarily my responsibility.
And that was hard to learn.
My second therapist, We'll call him MF cause he was definitely a motherfucker at times, asked me what I wanted in a partner and I couldn't answer that.
The question has been rather prominent in my head these past couple years. the more I thought about it, the less it was what I had.
Everyone has their fantasy partner. That one person they've seen either on screen or in a book. That one character they would marry and fuck for the rest of their lives. I mean, there's a lot of fictional characters I'd be down to fuck in a hot minute (looking at you Splinter from Ninja Turtles. Don't judge me).
but for like a lifelong actual partner, I gotta go with Jim from the Office. Again don't judge me. Hear me out. First of all The Office is legit one of the funniest shows, and Jim is a rather romantic character. The Teapot for instance. In an episode he gets Pam a teapot, but fills it with little items like his high school photo cause she always cracks up when she looks at it. or a mustard packet that was important to them both. He essentially packed all these little moments for her and he continues to do it throughout the series. He's dorky, can make you laugh, and isn't afraid of tagging you along in being a partner in crime to whatever adventure he's planned.
So how does that translate to my dating life?
When it comes to actually being in a relationship, there's just a few things that I've wanted or needed with a partner. I'm not saying Hipnos didn't do these things (sometimes he did, sometimes he didn't), but I am saying I really desired these and I don't feel they were met or met often for me to notice when I was with Hipnos.
- Humor. Inside jokes, teasing, playfulness. I like to be able to have fun with my partner and know they're not gonna shut it down as childish. When I put googly eyes on my dick, I'd at least hope it's entertaining.
- Sex. I need a sexual connection to my partner. We don't have to have all the same kinks, but shared interests are definitely a plus.
- Romantic connection. I don't need a fancy dinner, but sometimes I do need to hear that I'm loved or that we matter together. Small gestures, or little things that only we would know. Yea. that's nice. It makes me feel like I'm wanted rather than needed. Because of my relationship with Hipnos, I sometimes associate need with that Codependence. Feeling wanted, or desired, is something that's become rather prominent for me.
- Adventurous. I want someone who can push my boundaries. Someone who can curb that anxiety I have and give me some experiences that I never thought I'd have.
- Communication. This is basic, but it's so important. From discussing kinks to seeing what the fuck's gonna be for dinner. Communicating that you love each other, all of it. just all of it. #requirement
- My Anxiety. I'd really like to be with someone who didnt' down play my anxiety. Yes, sometimes it can get a bit much, but at least listen to me first. If it's bullshit then we can go from there.
- Partnership. Someone who has your fuckin back would be nice. Let's be honest, living in a one sided relationship was hella tough. Doing everything got exhausting.
- Collaboration. I'd like to be able to toss ideas around, back and forth. Maybe we work on projects together, or just talk about some fun ideas. But some artistic collaboration would amazing.
- Honesty. Self-explanatory.
- Cuddling, physical contact. I didn't get much of this when I was with Hipnos. So moving onward, this needs to be a thing. Cuddling, hugging, holding hands, kissing in public, the fuckin works. no discussions.
Those are the five main items I look for, and I think they're fairly common. There's just not a whole lot of guys who are like that.
Am I looking at the moment? Fuck no. See, I got lucky. Really. fucking. lucky.
Over a year ago, I got together with someone. That story will be told soon as it's a crazy one. he runs a blog of his own, you should totally check it out. Goes by the name Espresso or ES.
Y'all. I can't tell you how perfect Es really is. He hits all the markers. 100%
He's been there in so many ways for me, made me feel legit special. Everyone says this is a normal relationship, but I've never known normal, so this is extraordinary. And I love it. I love him. A fucking fuckton. I couldn't be happier.
He's my babe, my future spouse, my girl in the sheets, and the best person you'll ever meet. See us below. Love you babe, love you a fuckton. <3
Es always has his tongue out for pictures. It's cute x3
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