Solitude

My depression is a heavy void. An empty pit latched to my chest, making everything sluggish. It's like watching the sky dissipate into, well, nothing. A slow, numbing, nothing.

Today it has decided to call my body home. Always uninvited, always unwanted, yet so overpowering in the end.

I can't tell you how long I've dealt with it, but it's a long history.

Hipnos didn't understand the moments I went into the void. He only knew that made me less available to take care of him. His disinterest in my mental health caused me to step back; to stay quiet.

Why bother talking about something going on inside when your partner isn't able to help you or care enough?

When he asked me how I was, it was always "i'm fine."
Are you sure? "yes."

In 2016, I sought out therapy. This was months before we got married. It got to a point where I had nothing else. I was afraid of opening up to this person. The thought of starting therapy is a rather intimidating one if you've never gone through it at first. But I took that plunge.

It got to a point where I would just imagine myself dying on the drive to work. Each day was different at first, then the same thought followed. It was always a gun, always the head. I could hear the shot so vividly. Always at the same stoplight.

I sought help. I was exhausted with just living most of the time. Tired of going into work, tired of getting yelled at the moment i got home, tired of feeling as if my only reason for living was to take care of this screaming video game playing baby. Because who else would? (#codependence)

I had been seeing this therapist for roughly 4 months. I don't remember how he found out. But when he did, he was upset. He hated that I had to go to a therapist instead of talk to him about my problems. He hated that he could not fix me. He hated that I could not "trust" him to talk about what's going on inside.

Those feelings of hatred got worse when he learned I wrote it all out through poetry. Suddenly, my own mental health became the trigger for his own spiral. He began to say things:

"I can't believe I'm not good enough to help you."
"Why couldn't you just tell me?"
"Am I so useless to you?"
"How can I even be a partner to you?"
"I'm thinking you're with me out of convenience and not love. Who could love me?"

I remember he cried a lot.

And all I could do was feel terrible because I was now the villain who made him feel unwanted. Who made him feel as if he was worthless.

Throughout this time, he would try to touch me. Try to cuddlle. Try to show me I felt loved, yet I couldn't accept it. It was all awkward for me because there was the underlying intention of him ensuring himself that he can be the good partner.

A part of was happy he at least made an attempt. But with Hipnos, the worrying over anything outside of his gaming addiction and online role plays, was miniscule. The trying slowly stopped.