The early years with Hipnos are a bit of a blur. We met another time in person, around Valentine's day, but I don't remember much of that trip. I remember getting him a video game as gift. A Final Fantasy game. For his birthday I got him a copy of his favorite, Secret of Mana, original SNES. I knew the games he loved and for the most part knew what to buy him when it came to gifts at least. But aside from that, it wasn't so eventful.
I remember the hotel gave me such a fuckin' hastle. I booked a room with a hot tub. Figured it would sexy and romantic. I got wine because what doesn't scream romantic when it comes to wine right? Spoiler, the wine was terrible. But the hotel didn't have any rooms like that available, even though I reserved it weeks in advance. Part of me thinks it was because I was Latinx that they didn't give me the room. Alabama isn't known for treating people of color with anything more than disdain. The person checking me in treated me like I was a hassle; as if I was the cause of all her problems.
But they gave me some room in that fuckin' place. I got a basic room at first. Standard one bed. that kind of thing, but I was paying for a suite. I had to call corporate to get it sorted out and they finally gave me a suite room at least. No hot tub, but at least something better than what was given.
We spent most of our time in the hotel room. There wasn't much to do in his town. Monroeville, AL is really small. The kind of town that only has a Walmart and you can't do much in a Walmart. He played video games on the Xbox 360 I gave him for Xmas. I wondered if he knew I was there at times.
We fucked a few times, but anal was still uncomfortable for him. And he didn't want to top, so we did a lot of oral, and some bdsm play. We used candles, restraints, he even dressed up in a skirt and some panties I got from Victoria's Secret. We took pictures, but I've since deleted them after our final split.
By this time, he had dropped out of college. He hadn't gotten a job yet. He was miserable. I was thinking the trip would help, not sure if it did.
I remember leaving this trip with more uncertainty than that previous one. But I stuck with it, again chucking it up to my own anxiety.
After our second meet, we started to fight a bit more. I remember one argument. He was hysterical. Yelling/screaming because his mom was pressuring him and he hadn't found work yet. He said he was going to kill himself and he'd do it by drinking bleach.
I was in the middle of filling out a job application when I got the message. I worried. Didn't know what to do. I was stuck in Texas, he in Alabama, what do you do in that situation where you're helpless? I texted, then slowly stopped when I wasn't getting a response. Damn near in tears.
Then he messaged me. There were a plethora of apologies. He said he sprayed his mouth with bleach but didn't do much more. It was the first time I had experienced him hurting himself. It was at that point I told him we needed a break. I used his lack of finding a job and his unpredictability as my decision.
I'm not sure how he took it. He was silent for the most part. But after a few weeks he asked me if we could get back together. Apologizing. Promising it wouldn't happen again. Pleading. Yet slowly it all turned into outbursts. He would respond with "it's not fair to make me wait while you sort your shit out." It was constant.
He had this uncanny hold on me, even though we were so far apart, the badgering started to weigh me down. Weighed me down hard until I said I'd give it another go.
He was a first for a lot of things for me. I started to question on whether or not I was actually a decent boyfriend. If I was capable of any kind of relationship because I couldn't handle his emotions as sporadic and volatile as they could be. At the time, I couldn't see the toxicity that was lingering around him.
So I gave it another go. By this point we had been with each other for about a year now. Things started off fine. We role played online, talked sex, I continued to irritate him as that's what I do. We had a few phone conversations, but he was always bad at keeping them. He communicated better through Skype or Yahoo instant messenger (so old, right??).
We fought a few times, then he messaged saying he was worried. His dad threw a table at him. I don't believe he was lying about that, but at that moment I wish I had thought it out. All I could think of was protecting him, so I offered for him to move in. I knew his family was abusive, I knew I could help him with finding work in Texas, and I knew we could at least be happy being together.
So he moved in.
No comments:
Post a Comment