Sometimes Your Gut Knows Best

So I guess I can't go the whole blog without talking about the actual wedding. I had proposed to him years before Marriage Equality was enacted, and it was a year after the supreme court made that ruling we got married.

His engagement ring was Tungsten, black with a khaki lining on it. Cheesy as it was, it was engraved with "Kickstart this Weasel's Heart." a Motley Crue reference if you didn't know. No matter who I marry, or who I propose to, I always want something engraved on it, a small inside note that only the couple knows. I dunno, it's cheesy but I like that sentiment.

Since Hipnos didn't have any money, I ended up buying my own ring. He chose it as he said he needed to, but I helped nudge him I guess by getting really psyched for this steam punk lookin' ass ring. It's broken now, the wires that made it pretty much snapped apart. Hipnos took it with him when he left. Said it would be a "reminder" of what we lost. Which means I kept his. It's in a box somewhere.

So the actual wedding day. Well first we had to file with the courts. Wait like 3 weeks and then go the court and get it finalized. We didn't have a ceremony. No guests. Nobody showed.

My mom wouldn't show as she is a "woman of god" and she could not stand that I was getting married.

And since Hipnos wanted the certificate ASAP he didn't give me a lot of time to invite people. So it was empty.

We were still happy I like to think. Me. Him. The Judge. It only took ten minutes to get the "ceremony" part out of teh way.

When we finished, i took him to dinner. This place called Big Humpherey's. I local place in Pearland, TX. Italian food, really good stuff.

Hipnos ordered a burger as was usual with any restaurant we went to (Burger, chicken nuggets, etc.).

We ate, he was happy but it was a quiet dinner. I worked that morning and was fairly tired. It didn't feel like a special day for me. It was supposed to be, but everything we did for it made it feel less and less.

I tried to focus on my love for him, and even that was difficult.

I remember not wanting to go through with it, but he was so adamant about it that I just put one foot in front of the other.

It made things a tad easier since he got on my health insurance plan a year after.

But still, if I had to go through a wedding with him again, I don't think I'd do it. When something is supposed to feel just right, and your gut feels nothing, that's the first sign to stop.

We posted on facebook about it, got a few congratulations. We didn't have sex, Hipnos was again not in the mood for it. So I worked. Until it was time to sleep.

I post nudes online (NSFW PHOTOS INCLUDED)

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When Hipnos Strikes First

Alright, so it's been awhile. Guess it's time to get back to it.

Hipnos was a lot of things. Though it's hard for me to find the good in him, there was some. He had his own way of showing that he loved you. He reminded me a bit of Michael Scott from The Office. You know the one. Childish. Kind of a sense of humor, but not always the best.

Narcissistic.

When something went horribly wrong due to Michael's decision, he was always quick to blame someone else. He put off tough decisions on other people so he could not feel the pain of disappointing someone. Of being the bad guy. He wanted everyone to see him as the best, as the funniest, as the be all end all person. Like Hipnos.

I would say things. I would make up words cause I thought it was kind of funny. Or even use words wrong, because why not? I'm a poet, you're supposed to use words the way you want to use them. For instance: "Semicolons are just butt plugs with tails."

Immediate response: You're stupid.

And that was our dynamic for years. He would always say he didn't mean it. And honestly I believed it, even though it was probably bullshit.

At first I shrugged it off. I didn't think he meant it at first but it just cuts into you after so many years. Still, he would find ways to make it all okay.

One of the things he loathed was me staying out late at night. Now, his definition of late was any time after 10:00pm. I don't go out and and party, but I do work late and I do go to poetry readings or author events where it might go past 10:00pm. He made little comments. Comments like "I'm here all alone."

"You've got all these friends, what do I have?"
"How come I can't go our with my friends?"
"How come you never take me to any of these readings?"

I never said he couldn't go out with his friends, but what means did he have to do so? He didn't have a car. Or a license. Or many friends to my knowledge. The internet was his friend.

Yet he chose not to have a job. Not to take care of himself. Not to leave the house.

Something I always struggled with was where did my responsibility lie as a lover, as a partner, and as a friend to him. I still can't tell you, honestly. Guess that says a lot.

The next bit was a major fight for us as a couple.

I was late coming home hone night. I was at a poetry reading at the Friendswood Public Library. I was one of the readers for a friend's book release. It went late. When it was over I was invited to go eat at Chili's. So fuck it. I said why not?

This irritated Hipnos. Til I said I'd grab him food. You can't go to get food and not get him anything. Rule #1 in our relationship. I learned that quick too.

He sent me a few text messages that night. The same questions just over and over. Long novel length texts. Telling me I'm embarrassed by him. I'm probably better off without him, etc. etc.

So I turned my phone off.

Rule #2: don't be unreachable. Learned that quick.

The moment I got home, I set his food on his desk and give him a hug. He took it and threw the food in the trash. He started yelling. Saying he had to wait for hours to eat. How dare I make him wait so long. How could I not answer the phone?

I can't remember what I said, but it pushed him over the line. the dog was hiding under the bed. Before I knew it, he started hitting himself. Punching his face. Each impact like a drum beat in our room. Calling himself stupid. Idiot. everything in between. The chair was rustling violently beneath him. I remember those goddamn squeaks.

I couldn't say anything.

I didn't know what to do.

I got up, tried to grab his hands, restrain him. Keep himself from hurting himself. But he took my hands and shoved me into the bookshelves and continued. So I took a tumble. I just soothed the dog until he calmed down after that.

I would stay with him for three more years after this.

The Oddly Good Times pt. 1

Art by Bocian

So the past few posts begs the question. Were there every any good times between Hipnos and I? I mean, I loved the guy there had to have been some good times, right?

And there were. I mean, when he wasn't raging or needing me like a parent, he did have a sweet side to him. Though looking back it's rather difficult to believe I suppose.

The hardest thing with Hipnos was when he wanted to love you, it was always his terms. You could never do it on your own terms or discuss it. It was always his terms. One of my largest complaints when I was with him was that I needed love and when I expressed that it would sometimes be a hassle for him. "You can't pause an online video game."

But we had our moments, I guess.

Hipnos loved medieval stuff. Dragons, fantasy, knights, swords the fucking works. So when he first moved in, I thought RenFest would be a good idea. Renaissance festivals are always filled with something decent (and for me it was the food, at least when I was kid it was the food).

RenFest is a massive shopping exhibit. Yea there's some shows you can go to, but most are there to shop. Money was tight, so we did what we could. I remember when we entered the sun was just overhead. It was already hot. Even in Fall the 90 degree weather does not leave the gulf.

I remember we walked around so much. There was this fox fursuiter there who had this really stunning suit. Centaurs everywhere, and the dudes from that movie 300 (I guess time travel was a thing??).

We caught a couple of shows. They were mostly cheesy but we got a good laugh out of them. Dead Bob I think was one of the shows. We stopped to listen to this one band. Hipnos said he recognized the song. It was from a band called Garmarna.

One year for his birthday, I got him all their CDs cause I knew he loved them. They were a folk band I didn't understand. They did mostly Swedish folk music. he would listen to this band for hours. I'm not sure if he ever listened to the CDs I got him as Youtube was his main music source.

This band wasn't Garmarna, but they were doing a song from the band. That was probably the one thing he would remember the most from that day.

We found this chapel area in the fair. People actually got married there. It was so romantic. So, we took a picture together. We didn't take many. Hipnos hated photos, but I was lucky to get this one.

Looking back he isn't smiling. I can't help but read a lot into that.

I like to think this is one of our happier moments. A moment that felt like, yea, after all the shit we created, we might could make it work.

The next post or so, I'll search for more good times. But there are some other tough posts coming up. I wish I could tell this all in chronological order, but the brain doesn't sync up that way unfortunately. So, bear with me.

I'm legit the luckiest weasel around.

7 posts in. And not one of them has a happy fuckin' moment. Now, that's not to say Hipnos and I didn't have good moments together. We did. You'll get to see them over the next post or so. For this one though, I want to move away from the Hipnos narrative.

Today is the first day I feel like I can breathe. My last couple posts were centered around my mental health and Hipnos, and that's because I've been in a mild fit of depression these past few days. It's becoming easier to recognize it when it arrives.

Since today is actually a good day, I'd like to move away from the chaos that was Hipnos and I. I'd like to talk about my ideal partner, something I had no clue how to describe when I was first dating.

Over time, I've come to develop some idea at least. There are things that I've dealt with in the past that I probably wouldn't deal with now.

A lot of my own connections to Hipnos originated in Codependence. If you haven't read the book Codependent No More by by Melody Beattie, I suggest grabbing it. It'll give you a fairly in depth look at Codpendent relationships, and it helped me get out of mine.

I felt good being needed, even if I desised being needed all the time. I felt good taking care of him, even if it wore me down cause I was doing it all hours of the day. I came to feel important in a twisted/toxic way.

Over time, I got tired. A lot. it felt like my natural state was exhaustion. I was giving a lot in my relationship to Hipnos, but I was not receiving. I didn't feel loved. I felt more like a parent than a husband. But who else could take care of Hipnos? Spoiler: it wasn't necessarily my responsibility.

And that was hard to learn.

My second therapist, We'll call him MF cause he was definitely a motherfucker at times, asked me what I wanted in a partner and I couldn't answer that.

The question has been rather prominent in my head these past couple years. the more I thought about it, the less it was what I had.

Everyone has their fantasy partner. That one person they've seen either on screen or in a book. That one character they would marry and fuck for the rest of their lives. I mean, there's a lot of fictional characters I'd be down to fuck in a hot minute (looking at you Splinter from Ninja Turtles. Don't judge me).

but for like a lifelong actual partner, I gotta go with Jim from the Office. Again don't judge me. Hear me out. First of all The Office is legit one of the funniest shows, and Jim is a rather romantic character. The Teapot for instance. In an episode he gets Pam a teapot, but fills it with little items like his high school photo cause she always cracks up when she looks at it. or a mustard packet that was important to them both. He essentially packed all these little moments for her and he continues to do it throughout the series. He's dorky, can make you laugh, and isn't afraid of tagging you along in being a partner in crime to whatever adventure he's planned.

So how does that translate to my dating life?

When it comes to actually being in a relationship, there's just a few things that I've wanted or needed with a partner. I'm not saying Hipnos didn't do these things (sometimes he did, sometimes he didn't), but I am saying I really desired these and I don't feel they were met or met often for me to notice when I was with Hipnos.

1.  Humor. Inside jokes, teasing, playfulness. I like to be able to have fun with my partner and know they're not gonna shut it down as childish. When I put googly eyes on my dick, I'd at least hope it's entertaining. 
2.  Sex. I need a sexual connection to my partner. We don't have to have all the same kinks, but shared interests are definitely a plus. 
3.  Romantic connection. I don't need a fancy dinner, but sometimes I do need to hear that I'm loved or that we matter together. Small gestures, or little things that only we would know. Yea. that's nice. It makes me feel like I'm wanted rather than needed. Because of my relationship with Hipnos, I sometimes associate need with that Codependence. Feeling wanted, or desired, is something that's become rather prominent for me. 
4.  Adventurous. I want someone who can push my boundaries. Someone who can curb that anxiety I have and give me some experiences that I never thought I'd have. 
5.  Communication. This is basic, but it's so important. From discussing kinks to seeing what the fuck's gonna be for dinner. Communicating that you love each other, all of it. just all of it. #requirement
6.  My Anxiety. I'd really like to be with someone who didnt' down play my anxiety. Yes, sometimes it can get a bit much, but at least listen to me first. If it's bullshit then we can go from there. 
7.  Partnership. Someone who has your fuckin back would be nice. Let's be honest, living in a one sided relationship was hella tough. Doing everything got exhausting. 
8.  Collaboration. I'd like to be able to toss ideas around, back and forth. Maybe we work on projects together, or just talk about some fun ideas. But some artistic collaboration would amazing. 
9.  Honesty. Self-explanatory.
10. Cuddling, physical contact. I didn't get much of this when I was with Hipnos. So moving onward, this needs to be a thing. Cuddling, hugging, holding hands, kissing in public, the fuckin works. no discussions.

Those are the five main items I look for, and I think they're fairly common. There's just not a whole lot of guys who are like that.

Am I looking at the moment? Fuck no. See, I got lucky. Really. fucking. lucky.

Over a year ago, I got together with someone. That story will be told soon as it's a crazy one. he runs a blog of his own, you should totally check it out. Goes by the name Espresso or ES.

Y'all. I can't tell you how perfect Es really is. He hits all the markers. 100%

He's been there in so many ways for me, made me feel legit special. Everyone says this is a normal relationship, but I've never known normal, so this is extraordinary. And I love it. I love him. A fucking fuckton. I couldn't be happier.

He's my babe, my future spouse, my girl in the sheets, and the best person you'll ever meet. See us below. Love you babe, love you a fuckton. <3

Es always has his tongue out for pictures. It's cute x3

Solitude. Part 2.

I hurt myself today

To see if I still feel

I focus on the pain

The only thing that's real

The needle tears a hole

The old familiar sting

Try to kill it all away

But I remember everything

--"hurt" Nine Inch Nails

I didn't know how to start this post. Or even, what I wanted to write for this post. Day 2 of depression is hard. Finding ways of being distracted is harder. As cliche as it sounds, the song "Hurt" by Nine Inch Nails has been my void filler for decades. It hits the right spots when you need it to. Sure, it's depressing as all fuck, but sometimes you need it on the hardest days.

Hipnos always said I needed to listen to happier music. Get some Beatles in my life (when I was more a Stones dude. Fight me). He said the reason I was so depressed was because all the music I listened to was depressing. That I only connected to it out of convenience since it was part of my every day life.

Now, I'm not saying all my music was bright/happy. But I knew my catalog well. Point is, I knew that wasn't the problem. Still isn't the problem.

When it came to my own mental health, I knew Hipnos wasn't going to be there. I also knew the risk I'd run by seeking help without him knowing. The thing with Hipnos was that he was very narcissistic. One wrong move or one wrong thing said and it would be the world against him. He twisted things to make him the victim. It was exhausting.

So I made the jump. Without him knowing. I was fortunate that he wasn't trying to glare at my calendar. I mean, when I was out he would always ask me where I was, sometimes I'd tell him, other times it would just be the store. When I was seeing my therapist, I was at "the store."

I don't believe in hiding anything from my partner. With Hipnos, I told him mostly everything until I became the second mother to him. Then, I needed space. When I went to iHop for peace, I told him I was at "the store." Or even just poetry events.

It was a convenient lie. A lie I hated doing at first, but grew into the more he wondered where I was going. And since I lived in a household where we constantly needed things like chicken nuggets, sodas, soap, etc. etc. It was easy to just say it.

So I lied. And started with my first therapist. Starting therapy was rough. It was hard for me to even open up. I started with the surface issues. My crumbling house, shit job, the feeling of everything staying stagnant. I didn't approach my relationship at first, until she noticed the way I talked about him.

She said there was a sadness in my voice when I mentioned his name. Some emotions are too hard to keep down. So we talked about Hipnos. We talked about me having to take care of him, and the rest of the family needing me. We talked about the lack of me having space or even time for myself.

Looking back, I believe she was hinting at Codependence. But she didn't outright say it, and I'm terrible at reading between the lines on a good day.

We worked out some things to do just so I could get space from everything. They worked for awhile, but there was still something lingering and I couldn't escape it.

Our sessions didn't last more than 5 months. On our last visit, she read me a Dr. Seuss book, and that was it. It would be another year before I sought out therapy again.

I don't believe she was a bad therapist. A lot of it has to do with my inability to open up. I was afraid of how it would change the dynamics of my relationship. I still loved Hipnos and my first instinct was to protect that relationship however I could.

The second therapist despised Hipnos' lack of work. I was slowly starting to hate it myself, but I was also comfortable in the chaos we created between each other. I was comfortable taking care of him.

I was codependent, though by this time didn't know it and didn't even know what it meant. A part of me felt good by just being needed, even if it went across my own boundaries. It wasn't something I was ready to give up yet.

Isn't that what the marriage narrative is? You don't give up? Or Til Death Do Us Part?

I started to push Hipnos into finding work at first, but remained complacent when that didn't happen.

I still hated my job, but I kept it, knowing if I just up and left it would be detrimental. My job at the time was a weight. Some days I would go in at 5 in the morning, and not come home til 8 or 9 at night. There was just so much to do.

During these years, between being overworked, underpaid, and then coming home to take care of practically an adult child, the suicidal urges made their home in me. I self-harmed in the morning, burned myself a few times with my vape box. It was like a cigarette burn without the cigarette.

I made maybe three attempts within the past four years. Called the suicide hotline for one attempt.

I had been in a bad spot for what seemed like ages. So many ages.

Hipnos didn't come to find out I was seeing a new therapist until the second or third visit with my second one.

We argued, we talked, he read some of the pieces I'd written on it, cried. he said he'd do better. A phrase that became something he would throw out often yet rarely follow through on.

I don't hate Hipnos for these particular dark areas of my life. My mental health is mine to own. I don't know if it had been any different if I was more open on it. But I do feel I should have been.

Today is a tough day. Depression day 2. And I'm feelin' it this morning as I write this. The song by Nine Inch Nails is hitting all the right spots in my brain, though not on repeat, it'll come back around on my playlist.

It's 9:00am where I'm at. The coffee is doing nothing for how sluggish I am, but it's not really the coffee's fault. Let's see what the rest of the day has for me.

Solitude

My depression is a heavy void. An empty pit latched to my chest, making everything sluggish. It's like watching the sky dissipate into, well, nothing. A slow, numbing, nothing.

Today it has decided to call my body home. Always uninvited, always unwanted, yet so overpowering in the end.

I can't tell you how long I've dealt with it, but it's a long history.

Hipnos didn't understand the moments I went into the void. He only knew that made me less available to take care of him. His disinterest in my mental health caused me to step back; to stay quiet.

Why bother talking about something going on inside when your partner isn't able to help you or care enough?

When he asked me how I was, it was always "i'm fine."
Are you sure? "yes."

In 2016, I sought out therapy. This was months before we got married. It got to a point where I had nothing else. I was afraid of opening up to this person. The thought of starting therapy is a rather intimidating one if you've never gone through it at first. But I took that plunge.

It got to a point where I would just imagine myself dying on the drive to work. Each day was different at first, then the same thought followed. It was always a gun, always the head. I could hear the shot so vividly. Always at the same stoplight.

I sought help. I was exhausted with just living most of the time. Tired of going into work, tired of getting yelled at the moment i got home, tired of feeling as if my only reason for living was to take care of this screaming video game playing baby. Because who else would? (#codependence)

I had been seeing this therapist for roughly 4 months. I don't remember how he found out. But when he did, he was upset. He hated that I had to go to a therapist instead of talk to him about my problems. He hated that he could not fix me. He hated that I could not "trust" him to talk about what's going on inside.

Those feelings of hatred got worse when he learned I wrote it all out through poetry. Suddenly, my own mental health became the trigger for his own spiral. He began to say things:

"I can't believe I'm not good enough to help you."
"Why couldn't you just tell me?"
"Am I so useless to you?"
"How can I even be a partner to you?"
"I'm thinking you're with me out of convenience and not love. Who could love me?"

I remember he cried a lot.

And all I could do was feel terrible because I was now the villain who made him feel unwanted. Who made him feel as if he was worthless.

Throughout this time, he would try to touch me. Try to cuddlle. Try to show me I felt loved, yet I couldn't accept it. It was all awkward for me because there was the underlying intention of him ensuring himself that he can be the good partner.

A part of was happy he at least made an attempt. But with Hipnos, the worrying over anything outside of his gaming addiction and online role plays, was miniscule. The trying slowly stopped.