Aftermath II

I started talking to a new therapist recently to help handle some of what I feel are issues that could or need to be worked on. I'm still working through my own anxiety and depression, as well as my suicidal ideation, though I haven't had urges in over a year. I'm also discussing my prior relationship with him, to which he pointed out that what I went through was abuse.

And I know that, yet I was still not expecting to hear those words. I didn't even want that to be true. He asked me why I didn't want that to be true and I didn't have an answer, and I'm still thinking on it.

I still talk to Hypnos. He was a mistake in my life, a mistake I don't regret making, but one nonetheless.

Hypnos and I try to be friends, even as the divorce process moves onward. It can get awkward at times. I know his typing patterns online, so I know when he's not in the mood or when he's angry or ready to break down crying. Our conversations have been less and less though lately.

Right after the breakup Hypnos opened up about his feelings on our relationship. There'd be hours of us going back and forth online, hours of arguing, hours of "I'm sorry."

Conversations like this happened all the time during the first couple of months of our breakup. He would just go on and on for hours, and some days I could just ignore it. I was at work, I was doing my job, etc. Other days, I couldn't. It was stressful, and a little painful, yet at the same time it was also angering. 

Below are a couple snippets from another conversation. These are all his words:

There are so many chatlogs filled with moments like this. I could make a separate book of it.

It took me some time to get to a point where I could say that I no longer love him. It still stings a little to go through all of these. Even though I can't physically hear his voice, I can hear him clear as the Texas sky. His whiny, nasally, voice.

He still thinks everything that took place was my fault. It's disheartening because I do want to believe he can change. He just doesn't. And that's disappointing.

Hypnos was definitely a mistake in my life. I'm not sure if I'll be able to fully close that chapter as there are still things in motion such as the divorce proceedings. But I think I can end his portion here for now.

Disney (NSFW)

I hate to use the word magical. But July was magical. Es' birthday month, our third trip seeing each other, our first anniversary together, and our first road trip together.

We went to Disney. And yes, it was magical.

Es flew down to Houston and before we drove off I got to show him around my stomping grounds. One thing I don't think he'll ever get used to is driving an hour to get anywhere in Houston, but that's the life there. Traffic is insane, the good places are just far away, construction happens. You live with it. At least, I did. I remember sitting in hours of traffic just to get to work some mornings.

We met a few of my friends for lunch/dinner. Es had never had a taco before, so I needed to fix that. Lunch we had Ramen. I forget the name, but it's by The Menil collection. Dinner, tacos because you can't come to Houston and not get at least one taco. It's a fucking sin!

We hit the road that night. A long 15 hour drive to Orlando, FL. I was used to driving 10 hours since My ex and I frequently visited Alabama. 15 Hours in a car is a bit much, but getting there was easier than coming back. 

It was weird for me. I'm so used to doing all of the driving. On all of the long trips, I just got so used to never switching out or asking Hypnos to drive. When Es and I started this trip, we took turns, which was weird yet a relief. 

When you're not used to a relationship actually being a partnership, you learn so much. I'm still learning because I'm so used to doing all the things myself. It was nice to not be in the driver seat for a few hours. 

I will say, if you both can handle long hours in a small confined space together, and I mean long tiring hours, and not kill each other, that's a good sign #justsaying. 

There was a fuckton of teasing on the road. Catch a quick video here.

We made it to our rental place. It was like an AirBnB, but a different company. I forget the name. But much sex was had! We couldn't keep our hands off each other, even after the long ass drive.

You can catch some of our videos at PornHub!

So we spent the first couple days of our trip at Disney. We rode a fuckton of rides, and nearly all of them I was cussin' Es out. I'm not big on roller coasters or thrill rides, but this motherfucker sat my ass down on all of them. Tower of Terror, Space Mountain, Splash Mountain, and others I can't remember the names to. And though I cussed him out each time, it was actually fun.

I don't have any of the pics of me being terrified, but you can find them on Es' blog post.

One of things that I had to do tho, was get a photo of us kissing in front of the castle. Why not? So we pushed through all these crowds and took a couple. My favorite is up at the top of this post. But we took a fuckton of pictures, toured a good bit of the parks. We completely forgot sunscreen. Es burned up fast too, even though HE SAID he never burns.

I was so happy to take a few pictures with a character or two. Goofy being one of my favorites, for a "variety" of reasons.

We saw the show Fantasmic, which was epic. I had never seen a show in Disney before. I've visited it as a kid twice before, and each time was fun, but not memorable enough to be "magical." This trip was definitely magical.

Es would't let go of my hand the whole time. It was cute as fuck.

Before Fantasmic we had some time to kill, and though i can't confirm or deny that we did anything sexual at the park, we definitely killed time.

Next time I go to Disney, I'm bringing a separate budget for food, cause I eat damn near everything at the park. #justsaying

The next day we saw his family on his Dad's side. It was very quiet. They seemed to be a quiet group. It wasn't uncomfortable, it was more like normal to just sit in quiet.

Es told me about a suprise reservation. He wouldn't be himself without all of his surprises. We drove for a couple of hours and I never figured it out. Then we got there. Better than Sex chocolate. And this place? Romantic as fuck. I ain't never been in a place were you eat chocolate in the dark, with nude photos on the walls. It was the best! The literal best.

Getting home took forever. Never make a 15+ hour drive in one day. It's not worth the effort. Especially since I-10 just backs up mid-way through. It's fucked up. But we had our fun while waiting it out.

I remember driving from Florida, and we were talking. I don't remember what we talked about, but I know I said I was ready to move in with Es. We talked a bit about it, and we made a plan for it. It was scary at first, realizing that our lives were changing drastically over the course of the next few months. But I don't think I'd have done it any other way. I love him, and moving in seemed like the next option for us. I knew I didn't want us to be long distance for forever.

It was hard again to see him go. But we had our plans, and though waiting would be a nightmare for us both, I'd say it was definitely worth the jump. 

The Aftermath

Monday's are great, right? I mean it's the start of the week. You wake up, say how amazing it's gonna be, have a mild panic attack and go about your merry way. Yay! And I know what you're gonna say. "Sounds like somebody's got a case of the Mondays!"

Stop it.

I hate that phrase. With a passion. More than I Blue cheese, and I hate that shit.

Life's still moving forward. Crazy as fuck, but moving forward. The snow has melted outside. I've lived in Michigan for over 2 months now, and it never ceases to amaze me that snow comes and goes. Like it comes here, sits around, turns to jizz and then dissolves into the ether. It's really a weird phenomena. At least it's warm outside. And by warm, I mean 40 degrees (since I know some southerners die if it's below 60).

So let's pick up.

Hipnos left on the last day of May 2019. And although I had a lot of scary, emotional, and painful moments with him, there was still this hovering emptiness when I woke up the next morning. I had trouble sleeping that night. My usual white noise of the window unit couldn't drown out the noise of the emptiness of our room. I played music, browsed twitter, anything and everything. I did eventually sleep, but it took awhile.

Hipnos texted me to let me know he made it home safe. I know most wouldn't have even cared, but I did as weird as that sounds. I can't really remember what I did that weekend. I think there was a book release I attended which was a good distraction, but the rest of that weekend was a blur.

I pushed to do a few more poetry readings so I could promote my book which was coming out in July. There were definitely some weird ones of that bunch. I did a reading at the Americana which was filled with and older christian audience. My work isn't exactly meant for that demographic, but a stage is a stage. Video below.

Es and I talked every day. It probably took me a good full month or two to actually become comfortable with the absence of Hipnos. Es helped me through all of it. Staying focused on work, staying focused on community poetry projects, made it easier.

In July, Es and I went to Disney, which I'll talk about in my next post. A lot of good things happened that trip.

It was hard to stay distracted from Hipnos' absence. When you're with somebody for 7 years you just get used to them. You get used to everything about them. Every time I came home, I was reminded he was gone. And it was both relieving and yet saddening. On the one hand, I ended a relationship that was terrible and abusive for me. On the other hand, I was physically alone. I had family I was living with at the time, but we just weren't that close.

I went through these moments of hating him, yet wanting him back. I had these two clashing emotions, and it was wrenching at times to confront them. I had to stay focused on why I made the choices I made, yet yearning is not always a logical emotion.

But it went away after some time.

I gave him a month.

Like most of our arguments, i barely remember what they were about. Hypnos and I got into any little fight there was. It got to a point where days you'd be walking on glass. You don't always see it when it cuts you, but damn does it hurt when it does.

We had gotten into an argument before  poetry reading, which calmed down. Then another on the way to the reading in the car. Which again, calmed down. I remember we went to dinner afterwards. It was Chili's, his favorite. It's not the best place, but it has food and it's not terrible. It helped ease the tension between us both for a little while.

We then argued again just a few hours after dinner. I do remember this one. Hypnos had planned a hook up with someone and asked if I could take him. I said no. I'm not comfortable taking my partner to a hook up. Since we were Polyam, I was okay with the hook up happening, but it did feel a little weird to be the ride to and from the person's house.

I knew we were in a co-dependent relationship. Around this time I was reading Co-Dependent No More, which if you've not read and feel you are in a co-dependent relationship or are interested in learning about co-dependence, I definitely recommend reading it. Taking Hypnos to a planned hook up seemed like an extra mile in our co-dependence together.

When I said I wouldn't, I was again, the bad guy. "You never let me go anywhere," "You just want to keep me locked up," "I hate you."

And that's when I told him. I said I wasn't happy, and that I haven't been happy for a long time. And his face immediately changed.

"I don't want to lose you."
"I'll do anything to keep you."
"You are the best thing that has happened to me."
"I'm so sorry."
"I'll do better."

I gave him a month.

During this whole time, Es heard about all of it. I didn't really have anyone else to talk to about what was going on, and my therapist wasn't exactly affordable at the time. But Es was the most supportive person I had, and there's literally no way I could ever thank him enough for being there. #justsaying

I gave Hypnos a few items he needed to achieve during that month:

1. Obtain a job.
2. Do more around the house than just play video games all day
3. Bathe more often.

And he tried, but everything also fell through at the same time. He wasn't able to get a job within that timeframe. He said he was looking into completing surveys and work at home programs, which was an argument for us. He still did not do much when it came to our home. I was still stuck cleaning, cooking, etc. He was still playing video games.

At the end of May, I told him it was over. I paid for his bus ticket to Alabama, and paid to ship whatever things he left in Texas.

May 31, I dropped him off at the Greyhound Bus station. A high school friend of mine (let's cal him Alejandro, old joke between me and him) went with us. I asked him to, one because I wasn't totally sure I could go through with it, and two I wasn't comfortable leaving my car alone on the street.

I walked Hypnos into the station, hugged him. It was probably the toughest for both of us. Although there was some relief in my belly, there was also a wrenching sadness when I watched him cross over into the gate areas.

In the book, Co-Dependent No More, it talks about voices. it talks about how your mind will tell you that the person you're caring for can't make it on their own. That they need you. Etc. Etc. And it's true. I had every voice that book talked about that whole day.

We were both teary eyed. We both cried that day.

Alejandro and I had dinner afterward. Close friends like him are priceless. Even when you don't realize you need a distraction or company, they know. and they know you because you've known each other for fuck knows how long. He kept me busy for a good bit of the night. We shot the shit, talked for what felt like forever.

Then it was time to go home.

April 2019

It's February and I'm still getting used to Michigan weather. One minute it's sunny as fuck outside, the next snow is raining from the sky. It's definitely the grayest place I've lived in. Es and I have been living together for over a month. We've been a couple for a year and seven months, July marking our 2 year anniversary.

I proposed to him, and I'll get that story when the time comes. But Es and I are fucking engaged, and I couldn't be happier!

But the story goes on.

Although Hypnos would have preferred I never saw Es again, I’ve visited him several times before making the move up here. The second trip was even more of a learning experience for me.

I was thrilled to see Espresso again.It had been a rough March with Hypnos, and my birthday was coming up so taking the time to just be happy for a few days was relieving in a lot of ways. This was our second trip seeing each other. Still so much could go wrong. What if the first meet was a fluke? What if we find that this time we truly don’t click? Fortunately that wasn’t the case, but it was obviously a minor thought in the background of my head.

Es had some words with Hypnos to ensure he didn’t try to take up our time together. As Hypnos was prominent during the first trip I took, Es and I both wanted our time. And for the most part of that trip, Hypnos was quiet.

Learning to be with a partner who cares about you in return is not something I’m used to. That’s not to say Hypnos didn’t care about me, but when it came to asking about my well-being or comfort, well that was often forgotten. Es did and still does, do everything to make me feel comfortable, loved, and cared for. That’ll always be an adjustment for me (at least I say that now).

With the second trip, we got closer. It was hard to leave the second time than the first, and it always happened that way. It’s like each time we saw each other, our love was solidified. I was worried the opposite would happen.April is so far away so it’s hard for me to remember everything, but I do remember this trip being more sexually charged than our last trip. It was full of new kinks, new discoveries, new experiences.

I remember being stuck at the airport. I have terrible luck with airlines. Almost every flight I have gets delayed. Just how it is, I guess. It’s definitely frustrating in the moment.

I flew into Grand Rapids because the Lansing flight wasn’t happening until later that night and we wanted more time together than less.

I remember he scared me when I got to the airport. I thought someone was trying to grab my bag and I was ready to swing at them. Then I saw him.

Es refuses to keep his tongue in his mouth. It's kinda hot #justsaying

He's adorable when he sleeps

Always the coffee junkie, but I love him <3

He was still living with his ex at the time. They shared a car. Much like Es has a hatred for my ex, I have a strong dislike of his. I tolerate him some days, but that energy is few and far between. I didn’t have much interaction with him this trip.

The first date we had together was an Ethiopian restaurant. Es always knows where to find the best food joints and as authentic as possible. I didn’t know if I’d like it at first, but now I hope we go back someday. It was damn good food.

He's such a dork. 

But I love him

We played this bean boozled game. I got most, if not all the bad ones at some point. The jelly beans were literally flavored rotten egg and vomit and it was disgusting, but I somehow got it down. When it comes to non-spicy food, I can be a human garbage disposal. Not to say I don’t get sick, but it doesn’t happen as often as it probably should.

We experimented more that trip. We both found out we were into musk play, and now I think I’ve created a musk junkie. We did this game, like the last trip, where we took furry pics and tried to recreate them. We did it with dice, which Made things interesting. I hardly took pics that time around, but there's a few below.

Then we went on this scavenger hunt in a graveyard. He called it something else, but it’s the same difference. We started searching for things, and we never finished it. I got hella tired by the end. But it was my first venture into exhibitionism. He lead me off the path. We were both still visible, but no one was around and he unzipped my pants. Before I knew it, my cock was in his mouth and I was being blown in a graveyard. It was definitely thrilling, a tad anxious, but thrilling. It’s a moment he and I both return to.

Es and I also went to this trampoline place, where I got winded as fuck. I'm not really a guy who's in shape. The whole place had an obstacle course, Dodgeball, Fighting arena, it was pretty kickass.

We're taking pics of each other here. He's got one of me, but I'm not sure where I put it. 

There wasn't much NSFW picture taking on this trip. Though that grows as we meet up more and more.

It was harder to leave the second time around. If I could have afforded it, I would have stayed one extra day, but I couldn't.

The moment I landed in Chicago, I got into a fight with Hypnos. He saw some of the pictures Es and I took and was immediately jealous. The fighting was a constant for him and me, but I was growing tired. I was growing unhappy.

Hypnos was upset that "I never took him anywhere," or "I never take him out on dates." It was something he and I never really resolved. There's a lot of unresolved arguments between us.

A week after I got back from seeing Es, I told Hypnos I wasn't happy in our relationship.

The Aftermath of The Argument

I told Hypnos I forgave him. But the truth is I never did. When he told me to kill myself I had nothing but a wave of emotions. Like an ocean swirling overhead before making the dive to shore. His voice was a shotgun when he said it. Loud. Booming. Authoritative. Each letter scattered, spraying anything and everything it could touch.

I quickly became numb to it.

Numbness was my way of coping in that relationship. My way of telling myself that everything was alright. Tomorrow would be different. Being numb was how i coped with living in that situation. It was how I settled. At that point in time I believed that it was my life, what else was there?

I told Es shortly after it happened. Hypnos was worried I would tell him. He was worried about how he would be seen by Es. There was a huge part of him that wanted us to be this trio again, but that wasn’t going to happen.

Es was pissed. At first I blamed myself for his anger towards Hypnos. I felt that if I hadn’t had this discomfort with THE argument, then Es wouldn’t have to be pissed off and things could be normal/fine. I was the martyr. Codependents normally are in whatever relationship they’re in. The book “Codependent No More” helped me shift through that belief.

Es and I had several conversations on it.

Hypnos and I had several arguments following the big one.

I release that I put Es in one of the strangest predicaments. Strange probably isn’t the right word. Hard or ethical suits it best. In Polyam, it’s hard to know if or when you should get involved in your partner’s relationships. And Es expressed this numerous times.

The book, “More than Two” has a few good points on this which I’ll mimic briefly.

You create the dynamics of your relationship(s). All partners should meet. They don’t have to like each other. They don’t have to be involved romantically. But they have to know each other exist and the boundaries that are in place. When is it okay to get involved? There is so much grey area to this question that it’s hard to answer, but if you know that your partner is being abused in their relationship, then it’s time to say something. That partner may not listen to you. They may tell you to fuck off, but you at least have to say something.

Es did. Several times. And I don’t think I would have made the same decisions if he hadn’t said anything.

I got to see Es the weekend of my birthday. It was our second time seeing each other, and. I fell more in love with him than I did the first time. It’s funny how that happens. How you just fall head over heals for someone so much.

As I’m writing this, Es is sleeping next to me on the couch. Dog nestled against him. How we’ve managed to make this spot work I’ll never know. This past week I’ve been sleeping on the couch, I guess he enjoys tight fits. It’s cooler in this room than our bedroom. It’s probably 16 degrees outside, but I’d never know it in this building. The AC is on, and it feels nice.

Es just woke up briefly. From what I’m not sure, but his feet are now nestled against my belly. I want to make coffee, but I don’t want to wake him. He’s got the cutest face when he sleeps. I couldn’t have gotten any luckier.

Our second trip together was amazing. We were both discovering new parts of ourselves. Little did we know how much we would change in the months coming after. I’ll talk more about this in the next post.

Right now, I have to cover Es’ ass with the blanket before he gets cold and wakes up :P

Then It Happened

The relationship between Hypnos and I had been deteriorating. It had been for years. I never wanted to see it though. I just kept going as if shit was fine and this was how life was supposed to be. Es showed me different.

The first time meeting him was, well to be honest, magical. It was romantic, sexy, we got really comfortable around each other, to the point where we didn’t want the week to end. And that’s probably one of the hardest parts to being in a long distance relationship. Knowing your time together has to end and you each return to your world. I know it was for me.

Hypnos got jealous, as he usually does. I was afraid of it too. I knew he’d see how happy I was when I got back and wish for several things:

That he could make me happy.
That he could be more sexual and “less of a prude.”
That I could better understand his side of the issues.
That Es would leave me as well.
That he could “forbid” my relationship with Es.
That we were no longer “Poly.”

In the Polyam world, we were a “Triad,” meaning I had two partners, but those two partners were not involved in any way. I had my time with Es and my time with Hypnos. Living with Hypnos meant I spent more time with that partner than the other.

Be careful in these situations. I found myself sacrificing more time with Es because I was afraid of how Hypnos would react. When you’re in this type of relationship model, it is your responsibility to manage the time between both partners. Be conscious of how much time you’re giving, and be honest about how much time you can give. The book “More than Two” talks about this in detail and is definitely recommended if venturing into Polyam.

I was starting to look at other times to see Es again. I needed to se him and I’m sure he wanted to see me as well. This made Hypnos jealous. He mentioned he had a boyfriend too, someone named Sky. Hypnos argued that he should get time with his boyfriend as well. It couldn’t just be all about me.

So, I paid for a plane ticket. He hounded me for weeks about it. Monitored any extra cash that came in. Accused me of “hoarding money.” So I paid for him to see his boyfriend.

On the one hand, the week alone was quite nice. A part of me worried like a doting mother on if Hypnos would make his flights, if he understood connecting flights, etc. etc. But on the whole I had never felt more free in that relationship.

About a week before he was to fly off we had gotten into an argument. I forget about what, but it got heated as they mostly did. I remember throwing clothes at him. I think he wanted to take a console and I was like “no, you’re not taking a PS4 through an airport.” It got heated, I threw some old clothes and he told me to kill myself.

My only response was “I tried.”

Which then lead to a barrage of questions on specifics.

That argument always stuck with me. I couldn’t even talk about it to Es for at least a week after it happened. I didn’t quite know how to process it. My therapist at the time told me to talk about it with Hypnos, but the thought of that scared the shit out of me. What else would he say? How else would he manipulate that whole situation? What about it all made it my fault?

That was the first time I thought of ending things with Hypnos.