i flew across the fuckin' country on a chance #worthit

I was so nervous on my first trip to see Es. Literally nervous. I mean, those  usual fears of "what if he doesn't like me" or "what if we don't click" were there, but I also had to worry about Hipnos.

Hipnos and Es broke up a week before the trip happened. Originally all three of us were going to meet, but after that part of the triangle split, it became me and Es. Essentially a V shaped relationship.

But I went anyways. I didn't know if things between me and Es would work out, or if Hipnos would try to start some bullshit (which he did as is classic him), but I knew I had to at least see what was waiting for me on the other side.

I'm glad I did. When I saw Es at the airport, I thought he was way more stunning in person. #justsaying I mean, Es is really an attractive person, and he's fucking smart, and goal oriented. It was like, when you win the lottery, and you can't believe it. It was one of those moments.

The first time we had sex it was the next morning. Es had been teasing the fuck out of me most of the night, and I think at some point I said something that I can't remember a then rammed myself inside him. It was a good moment for the both of us.

Our first date was at a Japanese restaurant. We've eaten there a couple times already, but I always forget the name of it. It's got food and the shit is good (phrasing!). I remember thinking how nice it was inside; and then Es started speaking Japanese to the chef and I thought he was flexin' on me. I felt like Texas date like "oh lookit that, my man knows another language??" Like damn.

If there was ever someone out of my league, it's definitely Es.

He made dinner for me that week, and I helped at some point. I pretty much tagged along with him wherever he went.

I remember thinking that being with him felt, comfortable. I learned later he's crazy adventurous, but I didn't feel any pressure to try to impress him or be anything I wasn't. I just had to be me, and things grew naturally between us.

Sex was amazing with him. Some light bondage, a couple of sex games, shower sex. We fucked a lot. I mean like a lot a lot. Not something I'm used to haha! Hipnos' philosophy was "I just don't need sex, that's what masturbation is for." Es took on a whole different mindset and goddamn was it on.

Hipnos did start shit. He was hella upset that I was up there. he kept saying that he shouldn't have let me go. Why did we even think this was a good idea, etc. etc. I didn't know how to handle it. Poly was fairly new to me. And I couldn't find a way to put one lover aside while setting time for the lover I was with. Ignorance ain't an excuse though. I know this pissed Es off, but I was so thankful he didn't just break it off with me. Most folks would have. He's crazy #justsaying

It was definitely a long week, but it wasn't long enough. For either of us at least. He didn't necessarily want me to leave, and I sure as fuck didn't wanna go either. But I left.

I left a note on his desk, though I couldn't tell you the particulars now. That mofo left fuckin spiders in my bag and I found them on my toothbrush. He's adorable though. If you ever meet Es, he's literally the best in this world. #nolie

Below are some more pics from our first trip. Sexiest person in this world, and fuck anyone who would disagree :P

The Shift

I had been with Hipnos for seven years when the story started to shift. Not every day with him was chaos. Most of our days were spent disconnected yet in the same room. Video games were a constant noise in our relationship. My routine was monotonous:

Wake up as Hipnos went to sleep. He normally went to bed around 4ish AM. And I had work, so we were passing each other a lot.
Work.
Go to the store.
Home by 7pm
Immediately in the kitchen to cook dinner.

This was my every day. All my energy sucked into taking care of, well an adult child.

July 2018 our relationship changed. We had gotten together with Es, my current partner.

Hipnos and I were always poly, but we had a Veto in place we ever wanted to use it (and Hipnos did use it. a few times.)

So we formed a trio. I couldn't tell you how excited I was to be with Es. I mean, prior to that point, I had always had a crush on him. I can't tell you how long, but it was fairly long.

Es and I had gotten close prior to any of this happening. We were/are friends. We flirted a few times, and we actually called each other. he published my second novella, and being in the same business that is publishing, we came to know each other fairly quick.

I remember thinking his voice was cute when I first heard it. The first time Es and I actually called was to talk about some weird publishing business. I think there was a fandom editor being an ass, but that's fairly typical.

I remember thinking he was cute when I saw his pictures too.

We formed a strong friendship long before we even thought of getting into a relationship with each other. It was nice to have someone who wasn't a poet or author messaging me for a "quick question." Which happened (still happens) a lot, but that's a rant for another day, or twitter.

So we became a trio, and my anxiety flared up about a week into the damn thing. maybe longer. I'm not good with time.

I worried that Hipnos would drive Es far away. Hipnos had this uncanny ability to scare anyone off. How he didn't scare me off is well, codependent.

I knew at some point Hipnos would feel something when he saw Es and I interacting. Simple "I love yous" or talk of plans, or sexual talk, all of that started to eat away at Hipnos. He got jealous real fast. He got worried real fast. There were way more quiet moments in our home because his mind was a flurry of negative and furious emotions. And he said it often, "You don't need me anymore. you can just be with Es."

That's not what my version of Poly was about. At first, I didn't want to leave either of them. Sure, Hipnos terrorized me, but I still loved him, or at least I thought I did. That's part of being in a co-dependent relationship. What you think is love, really isn't.

He eventually did the same to Es. He blew up one time with Es and I think they settled that day, but it only took a week for Hipnos to start on his bullshit again. They broke up, and Es and I kept our relationship going.

A lot of things could have happened at that point. Es could have broken up with both of us, which is what I worried about the most. I could have broken up with Es, which wasn't on my mind but I did fear Hipnos pushing that option on me.

But it didn't. Es and I stayed together. I would have liked to say that I started questioning my relationship with Hipnos then, but it wasn't until much later.

Still, I got to meet Es in person.

Long Distance

I hear it all the time. "I can't do long distance. I need to have much more physical contact in my life." I hear it from friends, co-workers, even poets in my inner circles. The moment I bring up Es and our current long distance relationship, that's the first thought that pops into their head. I know this because that's the first thing they say when I finish talking or show them pics of us together.

Long distance ain't for everyone.

Much like Polyam ain't for everyone. More on this one later.

Like any other relationship, being with someone who is miles away requires a lot of dedication and a lot of work. While Es and I live our seperate lives, we have to make a point to put each other at the forefront sometimes. And I can see how that is difficult when the person is not right in front of you, or not easily reachable. But we do it. And we do it well. At least I think so.

I've been with Es for over a year. We met for the first time in person October/November 2018, so that anniversary just passed too haha. Over the course of this past year we've taken trips to see each other a few times, celebrating Es' birthday and our anniversary at Disney this past July. Now, we're planning a move together.

Life comes at you fast, in case you didn't know.

My relationship with Es has been one of the most fulfilling relationships I've ever had. Granted my only other long term partner was Hipnos, and Hipnos was still in the picture when we got together, which is a whole other story for another blog post. Probably the next one. But the skinny of it is we started out as a Polyam Triangle. We three got into this relationship together. Hipnos started showing his abusive tendencies, and the triangle became split. Es and I stayed together. And a few months after Es and Hipnos broke up, I broke it off with Hipnos. Again, I'll go over the whole story, at least from what I witnessed, in the next blog post.

This one, I'd like to talk about the things Es and I have right. How we have made this work.

Now, this doesn't come without challenges. I mean, there's a lot of nights where I miss having him right next to me. I miss him a lot. That can get challenging sometimes, but I know he's there even when he's not.

1. Communication
It's no secret that all relationships require communication in order to stay functional. They do. Every relationship book says it. Relationship "Gurus" like Esther Perel preach it. It's fucking necessary. Es and I communicate everything to each other. Even when we aren't able to fix each other's problems. We tell each other when we're depressed, or the best part of our day. We tell each other when we're lonely, horny, our schedules, when we're going on hookups, if we've eaten, when we're angry with each other, when we need support. Everything. I mean, we talk on the phone for at least a couple hours each night. Sometime's we're even on the phone as we work, and even though we're not saying anything, we're comfortable with that because we're there. We say, "I love you," a million times over. But when we say it, we mean it. When I hear it from him, there's not a doubt in my mind. He loves me. I love him. And when we tell each other that, there's never a question. It doesn't lose meaning because you say it more. We talk. And we're honest.

2. Sex
We definitely click sexually. And when we visit each other it's pretty much a long sex fest which I fucking love. One of the issues I had with Hipnos and I was that sex was always placed on the back burner. Sort of a, "it's only important when you mean it." which  I never understood the concept. For me sex is such an integral part of a relationship. Hipnos was always afraid that he would just be the house slut and that I'd never love him otherwise. He associated a lot of shame with sex. If we had too much sex, then our relationship was nothing more than a long standing hook up.

For me, that's not the case. I never associated shame with sex. Hipnos instilled that in me over the years.

With Es, sex is not just an aspect of our relationship. Eroticism is intermingled with romance, with friendship. Sensual touches, random blowjobs, spontaneous adventures in the park. We not only keep sex exciting, but we mingle it with everything else in our life. We don't just keep it to the bedroom like a toy chest waiting to be opened. We enjoy each other. Everywhere we go.

3. Making time for each other
This one is definitely hard to do, for any relationship. Again, we live separate lives. His schedule is crazy, mine is hectic. We don't always have the same sleep schedule. But we make time for each other. We call every day. We leave voice messages for each other almost every morning/evening. We talk on instant messaging programs like Telegram, which I use way more than texting. Don't text me, I'll rarely answer. Hit me up on Telegram though? I'll respond pretty quick. We've even started making long distance dates happen.

If you love someone. Truly love someone. You'll find ways to make time for them. For me, my relationship with Es is top priority. I keep him at the front. He's the first thing that pops into my head when I wake up and the last thing before I go to sleep.

We plan trips to see each other. Physical contact is important, being there in person is important.  It's not always possible due to schedules and money. I remember my last trip, I was so afraid of not being able to go because United kept cancelling my flights. I was booked on 5 different flights because of Tropical Storm Imelda. I finally got out, but it was scary as fuck.

We make time for each other. Even if it's just a few seconds of the day to say "hope your day is going well." We make time for each other.

4. We support each other
Even from far away. If he needs me on the phone, in a heart beat I'm there. If I need him in the middle of the night, he's there. We support each other. We vent to each other, talk about our fears, help each other through depression, just everything.

We support each other's interests. We collaborate on writing projects, editing projects. He's trying to get me into a his chorus group, which will likely happen, haha. When his Ted talk came out, I shared that with everyone I know. Couldn't shut up about it for weeks after.

If he came to me and said "Weasel, I'm going to a conference in a couple weeks and I'd like you to be there." I'd be right fucking there in the audience. Now I may be on my phone cause my attention span is shit sometimes, but I'd be there, and I'd know what he said. And if I couldn't go? I'd be right on the phone asking him how it went, wanting to know every detail.

5. We make each other feel special
We write poetry for each other. Write blog posts and tweets. We send gifts. We tease each other with our surprises. We do little things very often to show how much we mean to each other.

I've sent him flowers randomly before. I have tons of poetry written about him. He's done the same for me too.

The point is, no matter how small or how much time it takes, we make a point to make each other feel special. And we do it regularly.

I'm not saying this is what'll work for you. This is not an advice blog. This is what works for me.

My therapist sat me down one day and asked me to define my core values of a relationship. Essentially, 5 items that make me want to stay in that relationship. Or in his words, "the keys to my heart," as cheesy as that sounded. These are my five values, which aren't uncommon honestly. Es and I hit all of these.