I told Hypnos I forgave him. But the truth is I never did. When he told me to kill myself I had nothing but a wave of emotions. Like an ocean swirling overhead before making the dive to shore. His voice was a shotgun when he said it. Loud. Booming. Authoritative. Each letter scattered, spraying anything and everything it could touch.
I quickly became numb to it.
Numbness was my way of coping in that relationship. My way of telling myself that everything was alright. Tomorrow would be different. Being numb was how i coped with living in that situation. It was how I settled. At that point in time I believed that it was my life, what else was there?
I told Es shortly after it happened. Hypnos was worried I would tell him. He was worried about how he would be seen by Es. There was a huge part of him that wanted us to be this trio again, but that wasn’t going to happen.
Es was pissed. At first I blamed myself for his anger towards Hypnos. I felt that if I hadn’t had this discomfort with THE argument, then Es wouldn’t have to be pissed off and things could be normal/fine. I was the martyr. Codependents normally are in whatever relationship they’re in. The book “Codependent No More” helped me shift through that belief.
Es and I had several conversations on it.
Hypnos and I had several arguments following the big one.
I release that I put Es in one of the strangest predicaments. Strange probably isn’t the right word. Hard or ethical suits it best. In Polyam, it’s hard to know if or when you should get involved in your partner’s relationships. And Es expressed this numerous times.
The book, “More than Two” has a few good points on this which I’ll mimic briefly.
You create the dynamics of your relationship(s). All partners should meet. They don’t have to like each other. They don’t have to be involved romantically. But they have to know each other exist and the boundaries that are in place. When is it okay to get involved? There is so much grey area to this question that it’s hard to answer, but if you know that your partner is being abused in their relationship, then it’s time to say something. That partner may not listen to you. They may tell you to fuck off, but you at least have to say something.
Es did. Several times. And I don’t think I would have made the same decisions if he hadn’t said anything.
I got to see Es the weekend of my birthday. It was our second time seeing each other, and. I fell more in love with him than I did the first time. It’s funny how that happens. How you just fall head over heals for someone so much.
As I’m writing this, Es is sleeping next to me on the couch. Dog nestled against him. How we’ve managed to make this spot work I’ll never know. This past week I’ve been sleeping on the couch, I guess he enjoys tight fits. It’s cooler in this room than our bedroom. It’s probably 16 degrees outside, but I’d never know it in this building. The AC is on, and it feels nice.
Es just woke up briefly. From what I’m not sure, but his feet are now nestled against my belly. I want to make coffee, but I don’t want to wake him. He’s got the cutest face when he sleeps. I couldn’t have gotten any luckier.
Our second trip together was amazing. We were both discovering new parts of ourselves. Little did we know how much we would change in the months coming after. I’ll talk more about this in the next post.
Right now, I have to cover Es’ ass with the blanket before he gets cold and wakes up :P
Wednesday, January 8, 2020
Wednesday, January 1, 2020
Then It Happened
The relationship between Hypnos and I had been deteriorating. It had been for years. I never wanted to see it though. I just kept going as if shit was fine and this was how life was supposed to be. Es showed me different.
The first time meeting him was, well to be honest, magical. It was romantic, sexy, we got really comfortable around each other, to the point where we didn’t want the week to end. And that’s probably one of the hardest parts to being in a long distance relationship. Knowing your time together has to end and you each return to your world. I know it was for me.
Hypnos got jealous, as he usually does. I was afraid of it too. I knew he’d see how happy I was when I got back and wish for several things:
That he could make me happy.
That he could be more sexual and “less of a prude.”
That I could better understand his side of the issues.
That Es would leave me as well.
That he could “forbid” my relationship with Es.
That we were no longer “Poly.”
In the Polyam world, we were a “Triad,” meaning I had two partners, but those two partners were not involved in any way. I had my time with Es and my time with Hypnos. Living with Hypnos meant I spent more time with that partner than the other.
Be careful in these situations. I found myself sacrificing more time with Es because I was afraid of how Hypnos would react. When you’re in this type of relationship model, it is your responsibility to manage the time between both partners. Be conscious of how much time you’re giving, and be honest about how much time you can give. The book “More than Two” talks about this in detail and is definitely recommended if venturing into Polyam.
I was starting to look at other times to see Es again. I needed to se him and I’m sure he wanted to see me as well. This made Hypnos jealous. He mentioned he had a boyfriend too, someone named Sky. Hypnos argued that he should get time with his boyfriend as well. It couldn’t just be all about me.
So, I paid for a plane ticket. He hounded me for weeks about it. Monitored any extra cash that came in. Accused me of “hoarding money.” So I paid for him to see his boyfriend.
On the one hand, the week alone was quite nice. A part of me worried like a doting mother on if Hypnos would make his flights, if he understood connecting flights, etc. etc. But on the whole I had never felt more free in that relationship.
About a week before he was to fly off we had gotten into an argument. I forget about what, but it got heated as they mostly did. I remember throwing clothes at him. I think he wanted to take a console and I was like “no, you’re not taking a PS4 through an airport.” It got heated, I threw some old clothes and he told me to kill myself.
My only response was “I tried.”
Which then lead to a barrage of questions on specifics.
That argument always stuck with me. I couldn’t even talk about it to Es for at least a week after it happened. I didn’t quite know how to process it. My therapist at the time told me to talk about it with Hypnos, but the thought of that scared the shit out of me. What else would he say? How else would he manipulate that whole situation? What about it all made it my fault?
That was the first time I thought of ending things with Hypnos.
The first time meeting him was, well to be honest, magical. It was romantic, sexy, we got really comfortable around each other, to the point where we didn’t want the week to end. And that’s probably one of the hardest parts to being in a long distance relationship. Knowing your time together has to end and you each return to your world. I know it was for me.
Hypnos got jealous, as he usually does. I was afraid of it too. I knew he’d see how happy I was when I got back and wish for several things:
That he could make me happy.
That he could be more sexual and “less of a prude.”
That I could better understand his side of the issues.
That Es would leave me as well.
That he could “forbid” my relationship with Es.
That we were no longer “Poly.”
In the Polyam world, we were a “Triad,” meaning I had two partners, but those two partners were not involved in any way. I had my time with Es and my time with Hypnos. Living with Hypnos meant I spent more time with that partner than the other.
Be careful in these situations. I found myself sacrificing more time with Es because I was afraid of how Hypnos would react. When you’re in this type of relationship model, it is your responsibility to manage the time between both partners. Be conscious of how much time you’re giving, and be honest about how much time you can give. The book “More than Two” talks about this in detail and is definitely recommended if venturing into Polyam.
I was starting to look at other times to see Es again. I needed to se him and I’m sure he wanted to see me as well. This made Hypnos jealous. He mentioned he had a boyfriend too, someone named Sky. Hypnos argued that he should get time with his boyfriend as well. It couldn’t just be all about me.
So, I paid for a plane ticket. He hounded me for weeks about it. Monitored any extra cash that came in. Accused me of “hoarding money.” So I paid for him to see his boyfriend.
On the one hand, the week alone was quite nice. A part of me worried like a doting mother on if Hypnos would make his flights, if he understood connecting flights, etc. etc. But on the whole I had never felt more free in that relationship.
About a week before he was to fly off we had gotten into an argument. I forget about what, but it got heated as they mostly did. I remember throwing clothes at him. I think he wanted to take a console and I was like “no, you’re not taking a PS4 through an airport.” It got heated, I threw some old clothes and he told me to kill myself.
My only response was “I tried.”
Which then lead to a barrage of questions on specifics.
That argument always stuck with me. I couldn’t even talk about it to Es for at least a week after it happened. I didn’t quite know how to process it. My therapist at the time told me to talk about it with Hypnos, but the thought of that scared the shit out of me. What else would he say? How else would he manipulate that whole situation? What about it all made it my fault?
That was the first time I thought of ending things with Hypnos.
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