Aftermath II

I started talking to a new therapist recently to help handle some of what I feel are issues that could or need to be worked on. I'm still working through my own anxiety and depression, as well as my suicidal ideation, though I haven't had urges in over a year. I'm also discussing my prior relationship with him, to which he pointed out that what I went through was abuse.

And I know that, yet I was still not expecting to hear those words. I didn't even want that to be true. He asked me why I didn't want that to be true and I didn't have an answer, and I'm still thinking on it.

I still talk to Hypnos. He was a mistake in my life, a mistake I don't regret making, but one nonetheless.

Hypnos and I try to be friends, even as the divorce process moves onward. It can get awkward at times. I know his typing patterns online, so I know when he's not in the mood or when he's angry or ready to break down crying. Our conversations have been less and less though lately.

Right after the breakup Hypnos opened up about his feelings on our relationship. There'd be hours of us going back and forth online, hours of arguing, hours of "I'm sorry."

Conversations like this happened all the time during the first couple of months of our breakup. He would just go on and on for hours, and some days I could just ignore it. I was at work, I was doing my job, etc. Other days, I couldn't. It was stressful, and a little painful, yet at the same time it was also angering. 

Below are a couple snippets from another conversation. These are all his words:

There are so many chatlogs filled with moments like this. I could make a separate book of it.

It took me some time to get to a point where I could say that I no longer love him. It still stings a little to go through all of these. Even though I can't physically hear his voice, I can hear him clear as the Texas sky. His whiny, nasally, voice.

He still thinks everything that took place was my fault. It's disheartening because I do want to believe he can change. He just doesn't. And that's disappointing.

Hypnos was definitely a mistake in my life. I'm not sure if I'll be able to fully close that chapter as there are still things in motion such as the divorce proceedings. But I think I can end his portion here for now.

Disney (NSFW)

I hate to use the word magical. But July was magical. Es' birthday month, our third trip seeing each other, our first anniversary together, and our first road trip together.

We went to Disney. And yes, it was magical.

Es flew down to Houston and before we drove off I got to show him around my stomping grounds. One thing I don't think he'll ever get used to is driving an hour to get anywhere in Houston, but that's the life there. Traffic is insane, the good places are just far away, construction happens. You live with it. At least, I did. I remember sitting in hours of traffic just to get to work some mornings.

We met a few of my friends for lunch/dinner. Es had never had a taco before, so I needed to fix that. Lunch we had Ramen. I forget the name, but it's by The Menil collection. Dinner, tacos because you can't come to Houston and not get at least one taco. It's a fucking sin!

We hit the road that night. A long 15 hour drive to Orlando, FL. I was used to driving 10 hours since My ex and I frequently visited Alabama. 15 Hours in a car is a bit much, but getting there was easier than coming back. 

It was weird for me. I'm so used to doing all of the driving. On all of the long trips, I just got so used to never switching out or asking Hypnos to drive. When Es and I started this trip, we took turns, which was weird yet a relief. 

When you're not used to a relationship actually being a partnership, you learn so much. I'm still learning because I'm so used to doing all the things myself. It was nice to not be in the driver seat for a few hours. 

I will say, if you both can handle long hours in a small confined space together, and I mean long tiring hours, and not kill each other, that's a good sign #justsaying. 

There was a fuckton of teasing on the road. Catch a quick video here.

We made it to our rental place. It was like an AirBnB, but a different company. I forget the name. But much sex was had! We couldn't keep our hands off each other, even after the long ass drive.

You can catch some of our videos at PornHub!

So we spent the first couple days of our trip at Disney. We rode a fuckton of rides, and nearly all of them I was cussin' Es out. I'm not big on roller coasters or thrill rides, but this motherfucker sat my ass down on all of them. Tower of Terror, Space Mountain, Splash Mountain, and others I can't remember the names to. And though I cussed him out each time, it was actually fun.

I don't have any of the pics of me being terrified, but you can find them on Es' blog post.

One of things that I had to do tho, was get a photo of us kissing in front of the castle. Why not? So we pushed through all these crowds and took a couple. My favorite is up at the top of this post. But we took a fuckton of pictures, toured a good bit of the parks. We completely forgot sunscreen. Es burned up fast too, even though HE SAID he never burns.

I was so happy to take a few pictures with a character or two. Goofy being one of my favorites, for a "variety" of reasons.

We saw the show Fantasmic, which was epic. I had never seen a show in Disney before. I've visited it as a kid twice before, and each time was fun, but not memorable enough to be "magical." This trip was definitely magical.

Es would't let go of my hand the whole time. It was cute as fuck.

Before Fantasmic we had some time to kill, and though i can't confirm or deny that we did anything sexual at the park, we definitely killed time.

Next time I go to Disney, I'm bringing a separate budget for food, cause I eat damn near everything at the park. #justsaying

The next day we saw his family on his Dad's side. It was very quiet. They seemed to be a quiet group. It wasn't uncomfortable, it was more like normal to just sit in quiet.

Es told me about a suprise reservation. He wouldn't be himself without all of his surprises. We drove for a couple of hours and I never figured it out. Then we got there. Better than Sex chocolate. And this place? Romantic as fuck. I ain't never been in a place were you eat chocolate in the dark, with nude photos on the walls. It was the best! The literal best.

Getting home took forever. Never make a 15+ hour drive in one day. It's not worth the effort. Especially since I-10 just backs up mid-way through. It's fucked up. But we had our fun while waiting it out.

I remember driving from Florida, and we were talking. I don't remember what we talked about, but I know I said I was ready to move in with Es. We talked a bit about it, and we made a plan for it. It was scary at first, realizing that our lives were changing drastically over the course of the next few months. But I don't think I'd have done it any other way. I love him, and moving in seemed like the next option for us. I knew I didn't want us to be long distance for forever.

It was hard again to see him go. But we had our plans, and though waiting would be a nightmare for us both, I'd say it was definitely worth the jump. 

The Aftermath

Monday's are great, right? I mean it's the start of the week. You wake up, say how amazing it's gonna be, have a mild panic attack and go about your merry way. Yay! And I know what you're gonna say. "Sounds like somebody's got a case of the Mondays!"

Stop it.

I hate that phrase. With a passion. More than I Blue cheese, and I hate that shit.

Life's still moving forward. Crazy as fuck, but moving forward. The snow has melted outside. I've lived in Michigan for over 2 months now, and it never ceases to amaze me that snow comes and goes. Like it comes here, sits around, turns to jizz and then dissolves into the ether. It's really a weird phenomena. At least it's warm outside. And by warm, I mean 40 degrees (since I know some southerners die if it's below 60).

So let's pick up.

Hipnos left on the last day of May 2019. And although I had a lot of scary, emotional, and painful moments with him, there was still this hovering emptiness when I woke up the next morning. I had trouble sleeping that night. My usual white noise of the window unit couldn't drown out the noise of the emptiness of our room. I played music, browsed twitter, anything and everything. I did eventually sleep, but it took awhile.

Hipnos texted me to let me know he made it home safe. I know most wouldn't have even cared, but I did as weird as that sounds. I can't really remember what I did that weekend. I think there was a book release I attended which was a good distraction, but the rest of that weekend was a blur.

I pushed to do a few more poetry readings so I could promote my book which was coming out in July. There were definitely some weird ones of that bunch. I did a reading at the Americana which was filled with and older christian audience. My work isn't exactly meant for that demographic, but a stage is a stage. Video below.

Es and I talked every day. It probably took me a good full month or two to actually become comfortable with the absence of Hipnos. Es helped me through all of it. Staying focused on work, staying focused on community poetry projects, made it easier.

In July, Es and I went to Disney, which I'll talk about in my next post. A lot of good things happened that trip.

It was hard to stay distracted from Hipnos' absence. When you're with somebody for 7 years you just get used to them. You get used to everything about them. Every time I came home, I was reminded he was gone. And it was both relieving and yet saddening. On the one hand, I ended a relationship that was terrible and abusive for me. On the other hand, I was physically alone. I had family I was living with at the time, but we just weren't that close.

I went through these moments of hating him, yet wanting him back. I had these two clashing emotions, and it was wrenching at times to confront them. I had to stay focused on why I made the choices I made, yet yearning is not always a logical emotion.

But it went away after some time.