I gave him a month.

Like most of our arguments, i barely remember what they were about. Hypnos and I got into any little fight there was. It got to a point where days you'd be walking on glass. You don't always see it when it cuts you, but damn does it hurt when it does.

We had gotten into an argument before  poetry reading, which calmed down. Then another on the way to the reading in the car. Which again, calmed down. I remember we went to dinner afterwards. It was Chili's, his favorite. It's not the best place, but it has food and it's not terrible. It helped ease the tension between us both for a little while.

We then argued again just a few hours after dinner. I do remember this one. Hypnos had planned a hook up with someone and asked if I could take him. I said no. I'm not comfortable taking my partner to a hook up. Since we were Polyam, I was okay with the hook up happening, but it did feel a little weird to be the ride to and from the person's house.

I knew we were in a co-dependent relationship. Around this time I was reading Co-Dependent No More, which if you've not read and feel you are in a co-dependent relationship or are interested in learning about co-dependence, I definitely recommend reading it. Taking Hypnos to a planned hook up seemed like an extra mile in our co-dependence together.

When I said I wouldn't, I was again, the bad guy. "You never let me go anywhere," "You just want to keep me locked up," "I hate you."

And that's when I told him. I said I wasn't happy, and that I haven't been happy for a long time. And his face immediately changed.

"I don't want to lose you."
"I'll do anything to keep you."
"You are the best thing that has happened to me."
"I'm so sorry."
"I'll do better."

I gave him a month.

During this whole time, Es heard about all of it. I didn't really have anyone else to talk to about what was going on, and my therapist wasn't exactly affordable at the time. But Es was the most supportive person I had, and there's literally no way I could ever thank him enough for being there. #justsaying

I gave Hypnos a few items he needed to achieve during that month:

1. Obtain a job.
2. Do more around the house than just play video games all day
3. Bathe more often.

And he tried, but everything also fell through at the same time. He wasn't able to get a job within that timeframe. He said he was looking into completing surveys and work at home programs, which was an argument for us. He still did not do much when it came to our home. I was still stuck cleaning, cooking, etc. He was still playing video games.

At the end of May, I told him it was over. I paid for his bus ticket to Alabama, and paid to ship whatever things he left in Texas.

May 31, I dropped him off at the Greyhound Bus station. A high school friend of mine (let's cal him Alejandro, old joke between me and him) went with us. I asked him to, one because I wasn't totally sure I could go through with it, and two I wasn't comfortable leaving my car alone on the street.

I walked Hypnos into the station, hugged him. It was probably the toughest for both of us. Although there was some relief in my belly, there was also a wrenching sadness when I watched him cross over into the gate areas.

In the book, Co-Dependent No More, it talks about voices. it talks about how your mind will tell you that the person you're caring for can't make it on their own. That they need you. Etc. Etc. And it's true. I had every voice that book talked about that whole day.

We were both teary eyed. We both cried that day.

Alejandro and I had dinner afterward. Close friends like him are priceless. Even when you don't realize you need a distraction or company, they know. and they know you because you've known each other for fuck knows how long. He kept me busy for a good bit of the night. We shot the shit, talked for what felt like forever.

Then it was time to go home.

April 2019

It's February and I'm still getting used to Michigan weather. One minute it's sunny as fuck outside, the next snow is raining from the sky. It's definitely the grayest place I've lived in. Es and I have been living together for over a month. We've been a couple for a year and seven months, July marking our 2 year anniversary.

I proposed to him, and I'll get that story when the time comes. But Es and I are fucking engaged, and I couldn't be happier!

But the story goes on.

Although Hypnos would have preferred I never saw Es again, I’ve visited him several times before making the move up here. The second trip was even more of a learning experience for me.

I was thrilled to see Espresso again.It had been a rough March with Hypnos, and my birthday was coming up so taking the time to just be happy for a few days was relieving in a lot of ways. This was our second trip seeing each other. Still so much could go wrong. What if the first meet was a fluke? What if we find that this time we truly don’t click? Fortunately that wasn’t the case, but it was obviously a minor thought in the background of my head.

Es had some words with Hypnos to ensure he didn’t try to take up our time together. As Hypnos was prominent during the first trip I took, Es and I both wanted our time. And for the most part of that trip, Hypnos was quiet.

Learning to be with a partner who cares about you in return is not something I’m used to. That’s not to say Hypnos didn’t care about me, but when it came to asking about my well-being or comfort, well that was often forgotten. Es did and still does, do everything to make me feel comfortable, loved, and cared for. That’ll always be an adjustment for me (at least I say that now).

With the second trip, we got closer. It was hard to leave the second time than the first, and it always happened that way. It’s like each time we saw each other, our love was solidified. I was worried the opposite would happen.April is so far away so it’s hard for me to remember everything, but I do remember this trip being more sexually charged than our last trip. It was full of new kinks, new discoveries, new experiences.

I remember being stuck at the airport. I have terrible luck with airlines. Almost every flight I have gets delayed. Just how it is, I guess. It’s definitely frustrating in the moment.

I flew into Grand Rapids because the Lansing flight wasn’t happening until later that night and we wanted more time together than less.

I remember he scared me when I got to the airport. I thought someone was trying to grab my bag and I was ready to swing at them. Then I saw him.

Es refuses to keep his tongue in his mouth. It's kinda hot #justsaying

He's adorable when he sleeps

Always the coffee junkie, but I love him <3

He was still living with his ex at the time. They shared a car. Much like Es has a hatred for my ex, I have a strong dislike of his. I tolerate him some days, but that energy is few and far between. I didn’t have much interaction with him this trip.

The first date we had together was an Ethiopian restaurant. Es always knows where to find the best food joints and as authentic as possible. I didn’t know if I’d like it at first, but now I hope we go back someday. It was damn good food.

He's such a dork. 

But I love him

We played this bean boozled game. I got most, if not all the bad ones at some point. The jelly beans were literally flavored rotten egg and vomit and it was disgusting, but I somehow got it down. When it comes to non-spicy food, I can be a human garbage disposal. Not to say I don’t get sick, but it doesn’t happen as often as it probably should.

We experimented more that trip. We both found out we were into musk play, and now I think I’ve created a musk junkie. We did this game, like the last trip, where we took furry pics and tried to recreate them. We did it with dice, which Made things interesting. I hardly took pics that time around, but there's a few below.

Then we went on this scavenger hunt in a graveyard. He called it something else, but it’s the same difference. We started searching for things, and we never finished it. I got hella tired by the end. But it was my first venture into exhibitionism. He lead me off the path. We were both still visible, but no one was around and he unzipped my pants. Before I knew it, my cock was in his mouth and I was being blown in a graveyard. It was definitely thrilling, a tad anxious, but thrilling. It’s a moment he and I both return to.

Es and I also went to this trampoline place, where I got winded as fuck. I'm not really a guy who's in shape. The whole place had an obstacle course, Dodgeball, Fighting arena, it was pretty kickass.

We're taking pics of each other here. He's got one of me, but I'm not sure where I put it. 

There wasn't much NSFW picture taking on this trip. Though that grows as we meet up more and more.

It was harder to leave the second time around. If I could have afforded it, I would have stayed one extra day, but I couldn't.

The moment I landed in Chicago, I got into a fight with Hypnos. He saw some of the pictures Es and I took and was immediately jealous. The fighting was a constant for him and me, but I was growing tired. I was growing unhappy.

Hypnos was upset that "I never took him anywhere," or "I never take him out on dates." It was something he and I never really resolved. There's a lot of unresolved arguments between us.

A week after I got back from seeing Es, I told Hypnos I wasn't happy in our relationship.